Blue-Eyed Baby – 4/8/11

"Baby is born with a need to be loved -- and never outgrows it."
~Frank A. Clark

4 years ago today, I gave birth to my beautiful, blue-eyed baby. He arrived quickly, in a flurry of chaos, that could never had been predicated by the young nurse who disagreed with the woman who announced he was arriving NOW! He was delivered by a nurse who I am sure, like a killer bee, released pheromones that she was in distress. I was yelling, what seemed like 50 nurses were yelling, my ex was there holding my hand, then into the world he came. The moment he was placed in my arms I was in love. He was perfect!

He is the one most like me. In my opinion, he looks the most like me although some disagree. He is the only one of my boys that has my blue eyes. He has a personality like mine, toughest on the outside, easiest to be hurt on the inside. He always wants to do good by others but knee jerk reactions and fierce passion sometimes cause him to get into a wee bit of trouble. He is outgoing and very social, never afraid to march up to the person at the counter of a store and ask a question. Sometimes my boy and I clash because we are far to much alike. 

He has a fierce temper which I am guessing came from his dad, but I am not sure. I was told my ex had an awful temper as a kid but I never saw this temper in all its fury. My little blue eyed man is ready to fight if he feels an injustice has been done, even if this injustice is minor or almost non-existent. I wonder if this is what my ex's family meant when referring to his temper. I guess it is my little guy's passion that drives his ferocity and I try my best to calm it. He fights with his fists and his voice before he thinks and it could get him in trouble as he gets older. He has a big heart but lots of hurt so we need to harness the anger and unleash the passion in a positive way.

I worry about my blue-eyed boy. I sometimes think he is the one who lost the most the past 6 months. His dad, who he was very close to, was his buddy - he looked up to him and then he left. His best little friend was the neighbor's son and while I am trying to connect the boys again, he lost that too for a long time. He loved my ex's dog, considered it his dog but it was just another thing that he lost.  At the age of 3, he lost so much that was close to his heart. We had no idea how to explain it so he could understand. He is angry and it hurts my heart. He has become closer to me, relies on me more because I am the one here for him but sometimes he still wants his dad and it is confusing for him. He once asked me where daddy was and I said he was at his new house. He then told me that this was because daddy had hurt me (the ex had been open with the boys about this) and I said yes, but daddy loves you very much, always remember that. In his 3 year old wisdom he said, then why did he leave? How do I answer that?

My little man also missed out on being the baby. My second got sick when my blue-eyed baby was only 8 months old. He spent more time with his grandparents than he typically would have and the time at home with his mom and dad was filled with stress, worry, hurt, anger and questions. He was such a beautiful little boy, with enormous blue eyes and a dimple but he had no idea what was going on in his world. My handsome man has gotten the short end of the stick all the way around but it has not made him any less brilliant. 

He has a fantastic imagination, and I marvel as I sit here watching him play with his new Spiderman toys creating all sorts of scenarios all by himself. He is kind and gentle with animals in a way that speaks volumes about his nature. He talks about his friends more than my others did at this age - he is a socialite and loves to be around people. He is warm, caring and so passionate. He loves deeply with his entire heart. There is no half way with this kid - it is all or nothing. He is intrigued by fish and sharks and loves anything that has to do with the ocean. He can sit for long periods watching the neighbor's fish when we fish-sit it. He is gorgeous too, with ears that stick out just a bit, mischievous eyes that twinkle a brilliant shade of blue and a dimple that reels everybody in. I love him more than words could ever express. 

He is going to move mountains. I can already see him being the popular athletic kid that others envy, filling my house with guy friends and giggly girls. As much as I worry, I know that as long as he knows both his mom and dad love him, he will make it through all of this okay. I need to make sure that he knows that he is amazing and special and that will never, ever change. I love you Buddy, Happy 4th Birthday!!!

If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do matters very much. 

Jackie Kennedy