Taking back my Life

It is not a matter of being fearless. The fear is sometimes constant, but it's about moving forward regardless of the fear. Courage means feeling the fear and doing it anyway. 

~Gillian Anderson~

It has been a year and a half since the big one hit, the emotional tsunami that wiped out everything I knew, everything I believed, everything I wanted. That day that left me with a feeling of nothingness and with walls 10 feet high, made of impenetrable material. But it was a day that left me with an amazing view of the sunshine.

So here I sit, so many months afterward, still reeling from the aftershocks. I still let a man whose selfishness emptied me of everything I believed in, continue to take from me and traumatize me. The sad thing is, he doesn't have to do anything. I allow him to reside in the deepest parts of my head and heart. He is single handedly tearing me away from a man I desperately love. He makes me question myself and he makes me feel unlovable. But it is not his fault this time - it is mine. I am letting him rule my temple and control something in me that he has no right to. It is time to take back my life and free myself from this callous, ruthless villain.

How sad is it that dis-arming this man, facing my fears and opening myself up scares me more than letting this vagrant squat in the recesses of my mind. Kicking him out means opening myself up and becoming vulnerable again and finally letting the man I have grown to love feel trusted. Giving him my trust means that he can hurt me but it also means that I can be happy. It means I have to have faith and faith is not something I have relied on in many years. It means that I have to relinquish my need for control. So much control has been taken from me that I cling to what I have left like it is a life raft.

I am not willing to be hurt again nor am I willing to have everything taken again. As much as a gift as all this has been, I am petrified of starting over. I know my fears are foolish. My future is not something that I can predict or guarantee – nobody can. I have never known "happy love" so I am still learning that the risk could be worth it. For now the risk is too great and too frightening. I want the love, the happiness and peace that come with it but taking down the walls that I have built to keep everyone out scares me. It is safe in my walls – not happy, but safe.

The only thing I truly want is to love and be happy but yet, as I peer over the concrete walls at those things, I am far to afraid to crawl over and see what my dreams could look like. I have a knight waiting at the bottom of my wall, encouraging me to come over, handing me little tastes of what happy is, little bits of what love feels like. He gives me these things regularly but I hold on to the little things he has given me that have made me retreat to the darkness behind my walls, even though the love he has shown me far outweigh the  moments of doubt.

So here I will sit, on my wall, darkness behind me, sunshine in front of me. I fear for the day when my knight gallops away because he can no longer wait for me to jump. The sunshine is beautiful and it does not have the creepy, ball-less villain creeping in every shadow. It has poisonous apples but it has beautifully wrapped treats of love and happiness as well. The darkness holds a past that ties me down and cripples me. Why is this choice so damn hard when is seems so amazingly obvious?

Here I go again.....

“Hard is trying to rebuild yourself, piece by piece, with no instruction book, and no clue as to where all the important bits are supposed to go.” 

~Nick Hornby~

I have been driven by fear and it seems to be consuming my life. I am afraid to be angry and get walked all over because of it. I cater how I live, I am afraid to let go and love. I shut down my blog because I was afraid my thoughts and feeling would get me in trouble. I have come to realize these are my thoughts and feelings, I own them and I am ok with them. Writing gave me salvation and peace as I navigated my way through a world that scared the shit out of me. I stopped writing and that world began to consume me. Today my blog will go back up, I will read every painful word as I try to figure out where the hell I am going and where the hell I have come from. Many found strength in my words, now I need to. I know there are those out there that will lead the ex to my words, that is their own pettiness to deal with. I suggest that they look at their lives and what they find pleasure in and if he and his new wife in fact decided to read, they themselves should question why they have such an invested interest in how I feel about life. I am strong, I am free and I am ready to take on the world again. 

Here they are, from day 1, still married... what a Journey!

Where did the time go? - 21/10/2012

“How did it get so late so soon?”

Dr. Seuss

I stopped blogging a year ago despite it being incredibly therapeutic for me. I ran, out of fear, and my blog disappeared to ensure no ammo would fall into the hands of my ex when he threatened to take me to court for more time with my kiddos. I have learned that people can control you by using what is most important to you and it can destroy you if you let it.

So much has happened that I am not sure what to release first. Should I talk about the one-year anniversary of throwing my husband out and my realization of how broken I was, or should I talk about the short but expensive court battle that took me to rock bottom or should I talk about the man that has been through it all with me? At this time I seem to be unable to find happiness as I try to avoid everything that that has hurt me in the past.

The year anniversary of our break up was a hard one for me. I had made it through every other holiday and anniversary without batting an eyelash and when March 27 came along, I crumbled. I think it may have been the realization that all this is real, that there is no turning back. The intensity of the pain and betrayal was immense and I have struggled every day since. It’s not that I want my ex back, not that I love him but fuck, he took so much away from our family, from me. I miss the dreams that I know will never be full filled. It is hard to start over with the memory of what might have been and begin to dream again with hope and trust.

This time I get it though. I am not masking the hurt, saying "I don't care". I am facing it, grieving it and I think, moving on. My ex told me the date of his impending marriage the other day and I held it together on the phone with him but lost it afterward, not because I want to be with him but because he has a new life while I have to try and fix the shambles he left for the boys and me. I called my mom and sobbed.

The news was not a surprise, I knew it was coming but hearing it made it final. I know this is another step in moving forward but others think it means I am still attached. I have learned you cannot just turn off what was there for so long, it will always impact your life. I went into my basement the other day and the scene from when I found out about the first affair flashed through my head as though it was happening again. I sat in the basement and cried. I have avoided that basement for a year and a half because of my ex and now I am ready to make it my space. I faced the fear, the hurt, the anger and now I am moving on. That is one of the most important lessons - Don't mask the pain, face it. Trust me –  it will be easier in the end.

Next is the battle for my boys. My ex threatened last September to take me to court and I freaked out but nothing ever came of it. He did it again in March and I contacted a lawyer who told me to ride it out before retaining service and again, nothing happened. In June my ex served me with a court date to review custody and it brought my world crashing down. I can say that the court portion of this journey was very expensive but much shorter than most. We ended up in mediation and ultimately resolved things out of the courtroom.

However it took its toll on me and I am not sure I have fully recovered from the emotional, fear-based reaction I had to this situation. I learned to hold my head high and no longer let my ex intimidate me (which is progress) but 3 months of living on the edge of a major breakdown is a very dark place.

I lost myself in that dark place, gained 30 pounds and am still trying to find myself and ditch the weight. That dark place is very lonely and I still see myself peering over the edge sometimes. Happiness evades me on most days. Not that I am unhappy, I am just not happy. I sometimes feel as though I am merely existing and that is not good enough.

There is so much more to this story. I need to and will write out the whole ordeal one day. For now I am glad it is over and am still trying to come to terms with the fact that I will not see my boys at Christmas in 2013. I know it is a long time away but that thought hurts my heart.

I have been with the same man for almost 15 months now. He is a good man with a big heart but happiness is evading me here too. I am so confused. I don’t know what to expect, how to fix myself and what not to put up with. I feel as though I am sacrificing what I truly want and deserve but others tell me that maybe I am the problem, that I expect too much. Trust is something that is very difficult for me but I can say with all honesty, he has not helped this situation and although minor, I struggle to recover from those small indiscretions. I want a castle in the sky, I want to be a priority in someone's life and I feel as though I am not.  I always thought love was enough - it is not.

Here I am a year later, starting a new journey to discover who I am, where I am going and what I want. I am facing most things head on and working through them instead of pretending they do not exist. I am not sure what direction my journey is going to take as I see several paths I could follow. For now I am working on my emotional and physical self and from there maybe I will begin to figure out, just exactly who I am.

Finding Myself again - 31/1/2012

I am on a path to find myself. I disappeared sometime in November and I am not sure where I went. I have been under a great deal of stress and I think I may be hiding as a way of avoiding the things that I am giving power too. I need to face those things before I am lost for good. I am too valuable to disappear. I am scared and fear feeds nothing positive. 

I know there are reasons people rely on things such as alcohol and drugs. It is to fill a void and to cope. I turn to food, food helps me hide. I busted my ass to lose 58 pounds and I have gained about 15 back since I lost myself. I have thought a lot about it and I think it comes down to being loved and protecting myself. I am beautiful when I am thin. It is not just a physical thing, I glow because I am happy and confident. I think I have started eating the wrong things in the wrong quantities to test the love of the man I have grown so attached to, or to make myself less desirable so it is easy to explain when he decides to no longer love me. I have hidden the real me behind layers of fat and disgust to protect myself from the pain of being hurt again. He loves me the way I am now and the way I was 15 pounds ago. The only thing that has changed is that I am now unhappy and disappointed as I have failed in something that is so very important to me. I am no longer glowing and my head is not held quite as high as it was before. I am disappearing inside myself and that is not fair to me, to my family and to the ones that I love and who love me. I am promising myself now that I am going to crawl out of this hiding space and rediscover the passion and drive that defines who I am, that makes me proud of who I am. 

I love my daddy and have always been a daddys girl. My dad has changed. It started years ago when my boy had a seizure and forever changed all of our lives. It broke my dad, my strong, strong dad. And now he is sick. He is stressed and I worry about him. I know the doctors have the medical stuff under control but my dad shakes now. It hurts to see his hands shaking when he is still. He is the rock and my rock is becoming fragile. He tears up and is more emotionally expressive. I don't mind this but it is not who my dad is. My dad is getting older and I am watching the stress, of the last year in particular, take it's toll. I want to stop time and freeze him so he does not disappear any further. I know this is what happens when we grow older but it does not mean I have to like it. I have realized I am doing what I always do when I am scared. I am running. I do not talk to my dad as much, do not spend as much time with him as I used to. If I distance myself then maybe it will not hurt. Who am I kidding? I am missing out on valuable time, whether it is a few years or 20 more years. I dont want to waste a minute more hiding because I am afraid of tomorrow. 

My job – it is wearing my down and I have hidden this behind much hate and anger. I love the women I work with. They have been crucial in my growth and discovery. I have learned so much from the families I work with but it is now demanding so much time. I have not tried to balance my time better, I mean really tried. I just slug through it and bitch about how unfair things are. Things have changed, I do not like change and I am going to need to move on but while I am here, I must embrace what I do and the people I am with. They are amazing and can feed so much energy and life into me. I do not want the negative energy, it is draining me. The real me is hiding behind the negativity, in protest maybe. I need to enjoy each day, roll with the punches and be thankful I have a good job and wonderful colleagues. I cannot be angry anymore. It is getting me nowhere except lost. 

My man, the one I love with all my heart. He has rescued me without even knowing it. We met at a time when we were both struggling. We still are, but we are good for each other. I worry about him, I worry about his health and the things he does. I cannot control this but I can let him know how I feel. I cannot micromanage but it does not mean I have no idea what is going on when we are not together, I worry. He is a good man and he too is hiding. I am scared that he is going to stop loving me as that seems to be the pattern of men in my life. I put up walls and make myself unhappy and unlovable. I try to find things wrong with a man who gives me so much so I can run, just so I do not get hurt. He is not perfect and neither am I but I do love him for exactly who he is. I am scared that I will ruin things, I am scared that things will not change for him and our future will come to a grinding halt. I am scared that this man who I see in my future will not make it there because I am hiding, yet again, so I do not get hurt. I do not know how many times I have tried to run and how many times he has caught me. That is more than any girl could ever ask for, I hope he never stops chasing me. I need him to know that I am not running from him because the real me only wants to run to him and stay safe in his arms, a place I am always at peace. I love him and must let go of the pain and hurt my ex filled me with so I can spend my energy loving him as he deserves, instead of running from him. I need to focus on the things he does for me instead of living with my head in the romantic, fairy tail clouds I have found myself in. He cannot live up to the fairy tale but he does amazing when it comes to reality, my reality anyways....

My baby boy is disappearing, they all are but 1 in particular. My oldest has a sad far away look all the time, My third is angry and my youngest is happy because he knows no different. He does not remember the hurt. My second is disappearing inside himself. He struggles at a school where they have not taken the time to teach him the way he needs to be taught. Teachers are defensive and want him in a box. The more they push, the more he hides. He hides the pain in his heart. He told me the other day he hopes my new man does not stop loving me like his daddy did. He wasn't being hurtful, although it did sting. He was saying in his own words that he didn't want someone he cares about to go away again. I need to embrace those moments and listen with my heart to all of my boys. They are hurting like their mom and since I am hiding, I do not always address this. We have so much love as a family, I need to teach them that love is all we need, we have each other. I need to teach them the lessons I myself am trying to learn. I don't want my babies to disappear – they are much too brilliant. 

I was going to write about the struggles I am having as the 1 year mark of kicking my ex out approaches. I know now after writing out my thoughts that what he did to me does not deserve to be spewed on the pages of my feelings. What he did now needs to be insignificant in my life. I am not fearful of him and I am not hiding from him. This is one battle I am proud to say I won with my head held high.

I guess it all comes down to fear. What is fear getting me? Nothing but a world of hurt. I am wasting valuable time and losing valuable people just so I can be safe. My word for the year was vulnerability. I have a really hard time with that but it has become more that hiding. I am lost. What good is life if all the things I love, I cannot enjoy because I have 10 foot walls all around me? It is time to tear them down, hunt myself down and fight for who I am and for those I love. I am far to valuable to disappear. 

Happily ever after - 23/11/11

... And they lived happily ever after.

Life is full of amazing lessons! Lessons that make you cry, lessons that make you laugh. Lessons that make you think twice, lessons that free you from the chains of yesterday. It is what we choose to do with these lessons that can ultimately decide whether we are happy or not. Are we going to let the chains of yesterday restrain us  from the joys of today?

I am learning that although I am very aware of what I want - happiness - I am living my life looking for safety and therefore compromising the very things and people that could contribute to the happiness that I want. I live in fear, as a result of my past. In turn, I run from the beautiful gifts of today. How long can I let my past fuel the destruction of what I want to build today? I have an internal conflict - the need to be loved vs the fear of loving. 

I have met a man who makes me laugh and even on a day when I have manifested some reason to be mad at him - because I am constantly trying to run away - he is able to evoke a smile. There is not one day since we met that I have not smiled. I am not saying it is all sunshine and lollipops in our relationship but just naturally he is able to get me to smile. This is something that I was told for years that I needed to do more of and now, amazingly,  it comes naturally. I have a man who listens to my fears and does not personalize them by thinking it is me criticizing him. This man will hold my pink backpack and even my purse if I really need him to. I have a man that I have fallen in love with - not head over heals, twitterpated like a giddy high school girl, but a deep love grown out of a friendship, something much deeper and real. He is a man I have a history with, not a romantic history, not even a close friend type history, but a history nonetheless and that has given us a foundation to build on, a strong foundation. He holds me when I cry, he apologizes if he unintentionally hurts me and he looks at me in a way that I have never been looked at before. It is amazing to feel loved just from the glance of another.

Why the hell would I run from that? This is a question I keep asking myself as I try every bit of patience my kind man has shown me. I have handed him my heart. It is very fragile and delicate as it had been broken so badly by the actions of another. I was determined to never give my heart to another but I am not so sure I had a choice in the matter. But here it is, in his hands and he has treated it with kindness and compassion, trying very hard to keep the pieces together. Fixing the damage of anothers careless actions is not his job but he has a caring spirit; he is gentle. As any human, he has slipped and the pieces have shifted but every bit as carefully as he holds it daily, he has put it back together the way it should be. My heart is becoming whole again. I have fallen in love. 

I cannot run anymore. My dad told me that ever since I was a little girl I was looking for that castle in the sky and I've told him that it is never too late to have a happily ever after. I told him that I want my fairy tale. He told me if I stop pushing, I may have found my prince. I figure this might be true since I have already kissed a toad.  So many people have told me that I have to enjoy today, that fear of tomorrow will drive away the happiness that I so badly want. I have a man that has my heart. It is time he gets the rest of me as I want to love 100%. I want him to know that he is worth it, because he is. He makes me feel like I am worth it too. I know it is not going to be easy, I know I will still have moments where I want to turn and run as fast as possible but I am going to enjoy each day and each moment I have. I allow myself to be happy in all other areas of my life and I realize it is now time to be happy in love because not all men are toads. I think I may just be somebody's princess, something I have always wanted.

Baggage – 15/9/11

Carrying your negative emotional baggage requires energy that could be put to much better use - say goodbye to it, let it go, and get on with your life. 

Lucy MacDonald

It is a little over 5 months since that snowy day when I asked my ex to leave, a little over 5 months since I started to discover who I have become and who I want to be, a little over 5 months of intense transformation, physically and mentally. I will continually be a work in progress but now I know what I have to focus on and I am ready for the challenge. 

My challenge is to learn how to trust and take the power away from my ex - he does not control me. I control my thoughts and my actions. I have said many times that my ex broke me, that I am damaged beyond repair. I had a very good friend point out to me today that I am not broken in the least and if I act as such it is only because I am still letting the selfish, insane actions of my ex control me. I am only broken if I allow the ex to break me. Dammit, I am not going to let that happen. 

I am battling my weight and I am winning, I am battling to find happiness and have succeeded many times over. I am battling with my fear of committing to someone again and am realizing that if I do not give my head a shake and take control, this is a battle that I could lose. I am reacting out of fear. I am taking the baggage that my ex gave to me and projecting it onto another who does not deserve it in the least. I am panicked and am acting in a way that could qualify me as certifiably nuts. I think that on some level I am seeing how much it will take to destroy something that makes me truly happy because I am afraid to accept that happiness because of the fear of being hurt again. Today, I am learning to let go and see the potential in what is not my ex but something entirely different and more brilliant. 

I am learning that it is time to let go of the anger. Anger is like poison and I am not going to let it kill the good in my life. I am learning that while my ex's actions were horribly hurtful, I am the one that will decide what to do with the feelings left behind . I have made this choice in all other aspects of my life but now, when it comes to matters of the heart, I am still letting his actions control how I interact with others and that is just not acceptable in my mind. 

I think I am about to embark on the most difficult battle to date. Allowing myself to be vulnerable, letting go of the mistrust and enjoying life as it unfolds will be hard for me, but not impossible. Finding happiness and not allowing the ex's actions to jeopardize that happiness will take some work on my part but I deserve to be happy, to care and to live without fear of past actions repeating. I am not going to shoot myself in the foot, I have too much to gain.

Irony At Its Best – 2/9/11

“A heart can be broken, but it will keep beating just the same.”

– Fried Green Tomatoes

Holy Crap.... That is all I can say right now! I am in total shock right now as I try to process all that has happened today. Drinks with my friends isn't happening because schedules did not mix well. I was a little bummed but that is okay. 11 years, no biggie, I was handling it quite well but then I picked up my mail and that is when this date took an ironic twist.

Picture me coming home, 4 little boys in my car. I stop at the mailbox as I do every other weekday and boom, a letter, addressed to me in both my married and current name from the court house. I started shaking and it was hard to rip open the envelope in the wind and drizzly rain. When I finally had it opened, the inevitable, something I had been waiting for, emerged before my eyes. There were my divorce papers, indicating that the divorce had been granted. 11 years to that moment I was in a wedding dress, in weather almost identical to today, happier than I had ever been, never suspecting that this is where I would be 11 years later.

It is going to take time to process this one. My mind is going a million miles a minute. I called my ex to tell him. At first I thought it was funny and then he asked me if I was ok and I started crying, told him I had to go, that I just wanted him to know. I am feeling so many things - sadness, joy, relief - this is a little too much to handle gracefully. I have called many friends and, of course, posted it on Facebook, to announce to the world that this time in my life is over. Once the shock of the finality wears off, I will be joyfully turning cartwheels.

On the surface I am cheering but inside I am not really sure which end it is up. As good as this is and as much as I would never reconcile with my ex, this hurts my heart a little bit. Where did it all go so wrong...? I know it went wrong when he decided to take the cowards way out instead of fight for his family. What happened to the 2 young people, 11 years ago, who declared that they would be together forever in front of their family and friends. When did his will to fight for our family and our marriage die?

As soon as I work through this in my head, the party planning will begin. The guest list will be long, many friends have expressed a desire to send this one off in style! I plan on supplying bottles of Baby Duck so I can celebrate the end of my marriage the way we rang it in. 11 Years ago everyone was just beginning to drink in what was one of the best parties I have ever been to! Everyone was there to celebrate us, but now, my friends, many of them the same, will come together to celebrate my freedom, my independence, my strength and my determination to put the past behind me. It will be a good night to laugh and share and celebrate life because it is good, even if it is slightly confusing!!

So I am now a divorced woman. There is an appeal period of 31 days. Neither myself or the ex will appeal the judgement.  I think his life will take a drastic turn now that the divorce is final but that is my own opinion and it bugs him when I tell him that.

Wow, here I am. It is not the path I had ever dreamed I would take but it was the one I was put on and I am going to make the best of it. Hello world, watch out, here I come.

Treading Water – 1/9/11

Overwhelment is about you not being up to speed with what you told the Universe that you want. The Universe is yielding to you. You’re just not ready to receive it right now. 

— Abraham-Hicks

Put me in a padded room, lock the door and leave me alone for a few days. I am feeling very overwhelmed and I honestly think everything is finally catching up with me. I need to have a really big cry and get out lots of shit, plain and simple, but lately something has been stopping me. I do not want to share this emotion with anyone and I do not want to cry. I had a little cry yesterday, made me feel shitty. I just want life to be smooth...  Maybe I need to go for a run.

I cannot pinpoint any one thing but things are changing for me yet again and I am freaking out. Things at work are kinda crazy, I am in a new relationship for the first time in more than a decade and it is scaring the hell out of me. I have so much to do at home and school is starting. I just want to lock myself in a room and bury my head in my pillow and cry but in my frame of mind, that would make me weak.

I am worried about my second boy and all that a new school year brings for him. He is so excited to start school and I love to see that. I am gathering all the reports compiled in last few months written by occupational therapists, psychologists and physiotherapists. These reports are less than positive, painting a bleak picture of a little boy who is described in all of them as bright, happy and so very persistent, a little boy who never gives up. Things are going to be difficult, the school is going to have to work hard and I know I am going to have to be right there, making sure everything possible is done to encourage a positive learning experience for a little boy who is so very kind and gentle and does not deserve the uphill battle he faces. He will meet his teacher tomorrow and I hope she falls in love. In all honesty, I am petrified. I want for him to be happy and feel successful, I want things to be okay and I know that there is only so much I can do.

I am building walls and at the same time working incredibly hard to tear them down. I am confused and scared and trying to protect my fragile heart which is still not healed. I create unachievable expectations because I think that will keep me protected and it will give me the opportunity to run if I can create a reason in my head to do so. I am struggling to figure out what is real, what is manifested in this head of mine and what is the residual effects of a broken heart. I want to let go of this miserable baggage and be free to enjoy life as it comes. I have been doing quite well at that but when it comes to certain things, I am afraid. I am trying my hardest not to care and that is creating more hurt.

I know I need to lose it, I need to cry, stomp my feet, have a full out pity party and then regroup and start again but for some reason I can't do it. I am so overwhelmed and so protected that I have created walls that are even impenetrable by me. I got a flat tire today, a nail causing a very quick leak and I just barely made it to the tire shop. The kind, kind man there squished me in because I was in a panic and I think he could tell I was ready to lose it. I had to miss a home visit for work, I am not sure when I can rebook and I had no idea how I was going to get home. In the end it turned out okay but I was shaking and almost hyperventilating. Typically I would have been sobbing but no tears today although I was on the verge.

I am holding onto a bunch of angst that I have to let go of. I know what I have to do and I can't and I feel myself sliding deeper into this place of wanting to scream. I feel like I am treading water and I need to swim, I need to go forward. Tomorrow I will get a sitter for an hour and I will go for a run. That time helps me think and then I will come home and shower and maybe have a good cry so I can be refreshed for the long weekend, a weekend that starts with what would have been my 11th anniversary. Can I just go to bed for the entire weekend? I need to go to the ocean.

Happily Ever After – 29/8/11

‎"It's never too late to live happily ever after."

Anonymous 

I dropped off my boys today, came home and watched a Disney movie, you know the kind with the princess, prince charming and the happily ever after. I cried, I smiled and I imagined my happily ever after. I am a sucker for a love story - anything romantic makes me melt. 

I know it was a kids movie but it gave me a chance to reflect on a grown up level of what I want. I can honestly say, I do want my prince charming to come and sweep me off of my feet. He does not have to wear tights and a puffy shirt and he certainly does not have to ride a horse. I am sure 1 kiss from him will not save me, but then again, maybe it will. All these story book Prince Charming's have something in common. It is the way he looks at the princess, like she is the only thing in the world that matters. I want that. I want to be somebody's everything. 

I love how these stories all follow the same premise. The girl usually cannot stand the guy or does not see him in a romantic light. He annoys her or is a big jerk but something always changes that. It is often a gesture or an action by the prince, something that sets him apart. I think that this mimics life. It is those little things that I fall for. It is not big, grand gestures but the subtle things like being kind, being a good dad, kissing my forehead or bushing my hair away from my face. Acts like this come from the heart and mean more to me than anything else. I do however, love receiving flowers for no reason, not because I love roses but because it means that somebody wants me to be happy.  Flowers for no reason is very symbolic but I have learned that they can be substituted. There are other gestures that say the same thing. 

Many would say that these stories are fairy tales and to wish for my happily ever after and to shape it after a movie is silly, but I disagree. Of course these stories are on a bigger and grander scale, the characters are archetypes, and have elements that could never happen. If these stories played out the way reality actually was, they would not be as captivating. But I feel if you read the subtle messages and feel the story on it's deepest level then you can see that being that happy with a person is not impossible. It can happen and it means treasuring the gestures, not sweating the small stuff and allowing yourself to fall in love. 

My "once upon a time is" going to be a "happily ever after". I am not sure how it will play out or how many toads I will have to kiss before I meet my prince charming but I believe it is possible. I try my best to enjoy each treasured glance or kind gesture and let go of the small stuff that is only a big deal in my head. I know my Prince Charming is out there. One day we will ride off into the sunset on his trusted steed with or without the tights and puffy shirt.

you have kissed some frogs and even lobsters.....you will find your prince...I have no doubt...someone sweet..kind..HONEST...romantic...loving....and with any luck a great sense of humor and perhaps one that SMILES and has that little sparkly glint...lol 

Life Lessons – 26/8/11

Life is not always fair.  Sometimes you get a splinter even sliding down a rainbow.  ~Terri Guillemets~

Life has a way of making a person learn and evaluate. I have mentioned many times before that the whole entire experience of the past five months has been a huge learning curve. I have discovered things that I never would have guessed. Sadly, I am now learning how incredibly broken I am thanks to my ex and also how determined I am to not let the damage that has been done affect my life any more than it already has. 

In the last few days I have come to realize what incredibly big trust issues I now have and how petrified I am of being betrayed again. My instincts tell me to run as fast as I can from anything good in my life that may, and that is a big questionable may, hurt me in the end. I look for the bad, in situations where there is no bad, to give me an excuse to hightail it away from the joy that I am feeling because I find it hard to trust. I realize that I am going to have to be vulnerable in order to truly enjoy all that life has to offer. I have to open myself to the possibility of being hurt to the same extent that my ex hurt me and not be afraid. 

I learned from my ex that I can't control how someone else behaves. There is no way to predict how life will turn out and that even something good can turn bad. So I am learning to give up control of what I have no control over. That sounds odd but it is true. I have an idea of what good is and what good looks like but, in fact, it seems sometimes that I am just trying to make each situation play out to my idea of happiness. I know what I want and I will not settle for ever being treated poorly again but there are certain issues that are just not worth being stressed over. Life should be enjoyed day to day!

I also have learned how well I work out of spite. I will be damned if the baggage that  my ex has left me with will effect my happiness in life and in my future relationships. I will do everything in my power to not let him take anything else from me. I will not let his actions feed anything negative in my life and I intend to grow and learn from every lesson the pain has taught me. I am happier and stronger now and nothing from our failed marriage will ever change that!

A co-worker and dear friend told me today that I cannot take my old luggage on my new trip. I am ready to climb aboard this plane with new suitcases that I am going to fill with brilliant memories. This is a tough one - fear is hard to stare in the face - but I will look it in the eye and win. Life is too good to do anything else. 

Hang in there, be strong and trust yourself. Over time you will grow stronger, just be true to yourself. 

Peace At Last – 24/8/11

“Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed.”

~Storm Jameson~

I had a conversation with my mom today about how quickly things change. I know that in the weeks after my ex was gone I was amazed and bewildered at how much had changed, how quickly it all happened. Oddly enough, I didn't recognize that this could happen in the opposite direction. I didn't realize that I could look back on something good that had happened and realize that in a few short weeks so much had changed yet again. At first, I attributed these rapid changes to only the bad events but I think every change has the potential to make a person look back and be amazed at how things have evolved. 

I am at peace in my life. I am happy, I have accepted the way things have turned out and I have actually been excited to see where life takes me but through all that, I have still been unsettled. I was nervous about what was to come; I was scared about the single world; I was confused about who I want to be and who I should be. Life was not easy because each day brought with it many questions and many lessons, some of which I really did not want to learn but had to anyway!

Today, while driving to work, I looked at my life and realized how at peace I am. I still have conflicting emotions, I am still scared and confused sometimes but now deep down, I know everything is all going to be okay. It calms me to let the things I can't control go and take each day as it comes. That is probably one of the most difficult things for me to do but worrying incessantly about what is going to come or what has happened has monopolized far to much of my time already. I am here, in the present and I am enjoying it and dealing with what I have too as it arises. 

There are many factors that have led me to this place. Much of it is my desire to change how I think and how I handle the events in my life. Much has come from self reflection and learning what part I played in the unhappiness in my marriage as well as realizing that I can change the things that need to be changed. I did have a big change in my life a little over a month ago that has also helped me. Although I am not ready to blog about that yet, it has been a very positive part of my life. It is amazing how things can change with one simple, serendipitous encounter. 

Things are awesome sauce, this is my new normal. This new normal is full of things that I may not always like but it is also full of amazing things. I am learning to cope with the things I do not like as well as learning how to embrace the good. There is a calmness in my head and in my heart. Things are good and are going to continue to be so, no matter what life throws at me. 

Thank You, But Not Quite Yet – 22/8/11

A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties.  ~Harry Truman

I have been thinking that it is almost time to say thank you to my ex. Thank you for destroying our family and what we created together and, for making me spread my wings and fly because I had no other option. Soon I will say thank you for setting me free. 

I have been told that I will know when I am ready to say thank you and while I am getting close, I am not quite there yet. I still have moments where the comfort of what I knew flashes, I yearn for it and my heart hurts. I don't miss or want him, but I miss the comfort and security of what was familiar compared to the unknown. The dreams, hopes and wishes that were shared are no longer feasible. I have let go of him completely but the memories - they are forever. My memories are not all bad, most certainly not all good, but they have made me who I am and I cherish many of them. I have a hard time putting them away sometimes without remembering the hopes and dreams that went along with them. 

My ex and I are in a good place. We are friendly, the tension is beginning to recede and we are doing what we need to do in order to make the best possible lives for our boys.  I have mixed emotions relating to him. I loath him in moments such as when I have to say goodnight to my boys over the phone. I am indifferent most of the time when the boys are with me because my ex is the furthest thing from my mind. My life is full and he is no longer a part of it. However, I am sometimes sad when we get along because that is when the memories of good times surface. I know we were good together when things were going okay; however those times had become less and less in the months leading to the affairs. I have learned that in those moments of reminiscing, I do not immediately remember  the really awful times and I know that there were many years of bad memories that I can never ever forget. I am happier now than I have been in years and I am now learning what it is like to be treated the way I have always wanted to be treated. I also know now that the ex and I are far more functional apart than we ever were together. 

I will not give him an ounce of credit for the strength, determination and pure happiness I have in my life. I know saying thank you may be construed as this since I would be saying thank you for doing what you did because it made me who I am today. That isn't what I mean. Every change, every success, every failure, every fall and every opportunity to get back up are all choices I consciously made when other choices would have been easier. Everything since I threw him out has been a conscious decision on my part to revamp who I am and how I live my life. I chose happiness. He merely gave me the opportunity to step into the unknown and no longer be treated like I was worth nothing. He forced me to do the one thing that would set me free and for that, I am thankful. 

I am not ready to look at him and say thank you yet. I still have a lot of growing to do; I will never stop growing.  I have moments of wanting to look him in the eye and say thanks, things are okay now. I know I will get there. I still need to work on the emotion attached to those memories. I need to learn how to cherish the memories but not let them affect my emotions.

I am slowly making new memories with my boys, my family and my friends. These memories make me smile, make me feel full and happy and they are moving memories of my time with my ex deeper into my heart where they will be buried but not lost. My new memories already give me strength. There is always room for new memories, good memories to replace the bad. It is my choice to create these new memories and I am having a blast!

All By Myself – 21/8/11

There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is a poison that makes you beat your head against the wall.  

~Colette~

I am all by myself! I have talked a lot about being lonely but that is totally different from being alone. I am not lonely like I have been in the past but my house is quiet and there will be nobody here to wake me tonight. I am all alone and it is weird! Everything is still. Nobody is relying on me and I am not used to this.

I managed to avoid being alone last weekend by filling up my days and making sure my nights were not spent all alone. Mind you, last weekend worked out perfectly. I did not plan for it but it was the best possible weekend for things to turn out the way they did. But here I am, a little over a week later, and I have just sent my boys to their dad's house for 2 days. I have nobody to keep me company, except by phone (which I am thankful for. )It is time for me to spread my wings and take another flight into this whole new crazy world. I am nervous, a little sad, and a tiny bit scared. I feel like a kid again.

My house is quiet and I feel sort of lost. Without the noise and activity the life and vibrance of our home is missing. I have been told to enjoy these moments, that they are a blessing, which I both agree and disagree with. I love my "me" time. I have been to the gym and I am thinking about going for a run. I have done laundry, changed my bed and done the dishes. I tidied the kitchen and living room as well. The boys have only been gone 5 hours. I miss them, terribly. I miss goodnight kisses - over the phone just does not cut it. I miss stories and bath time and oddly enough the overwhelming amount of noise that goes along with the boys. It drives me nuts but I am currently learning that I kinda love it. For the next two nights I will not be able to peak in on my babies as they sleep. That makes my heart hurt. 

I have never spent a night 100% alone. I know at the age of 32 this may seem odd but one must remember, I met my ex when I was 19, pretty much fresh out of school. I always had my parents, my roommates, my ex or my kids in the house with me. Tonight is the very first night I will sleep in a house as the only occupant. My good neighbor jokingly offered her house any time of the day - she may be surprised when I show up in the middle of the night. I have told my parents that I may come and sleep in my old bedroom - I was not really joking. My house is big and sometimes makes strange noises and I think those noises may be more audible tonight. I have a vivid imagination that I know will get me in all sorts of trouble. It may be a sleepless night or maybe it will be a much needed restful night. It is my choice and I need to make the best of it. 

This is just another step, another learning curve. I know these times to myself will give me uninterrupted time to do the things I want to do. They will give me a chance to learn more about myself. I am realizing that I do not like to be all alone (although I already suspected that) and that as much as I wish for a break sometimes, I miss my boys when they are not near.

I have a full day of work tomorrow, packed solid actually. It is going to be so odd to get up and get only myself ready and leave the house in a leisurely manner. What will I do without the chaos of getting 4 boys up, ready and out of the house by 8? When I'm finished work, I will go to the gym, spend a few hours there and repeat tonight's routine. I can't wait to see my babies late Tuesday afternoon! 

Tonight I will wait for a friend who is out of town to call to say goodnight. I will chat with my mom, text with my friends and relax. This is yet another situation where I have the control to make it positive or negative. It is another opportunity for me to step into the unknown and to learn that it is yet another thing I am capable of doing. It is another opportunity to see strength which I would have never known. The best part is, although alone, I am certainly not lonely! 

Update – 16/8/11

"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think.  Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called.  ~A.A. Milne

When I started my blog, well, at least the part about the affair, I thought I would write every day for the first year so I could share my experiences. I figured it would be a good way for people in the same circumstances to feel less alone. I had no idea what life was going to dish up for me and I had no idea that I would be okay. I write about my "ups" but writing about my "downs" is usually from a far more powerful and more controversial place. Right now, I am content and life is good but I don't want to leave my readers wondering where I have gone. 

Lonely has not been around lately and frankly, I am glad. Lonely sucks! I know she is just waiting around the corner, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce but I have no intentions of letting her in. There is no room for her in my life these days. She has been kicked to the curb and although I know she is always out there, I am enjoying her absence and I hope she stays away! I am enjoying the sweeter things in life that I have been missing for years!

In early September, my friends and I have a beer date on the day that would have been my 11th anniversary and although this date was never celebrated by my ex and I, the girls and I are going to do this one in style! We have a date to celebrate everything that this date no longer signifies! I am not sure how this day will make me feel but I do not think I will shed any tears unless they are from laughing too hard from the company of so many fantastic people. This is now just another day, no longer special in any way. However it may turn into a tradition for my friends and I to celebrate letting go and moving the hell on!

Things with the ex seem to be evening out into a business-like friendship. I say friendship because although there is still tension, we can talk civilly, occasionally about things other than the kids. For the most part it is businesslike as we discuss the children. He now has his own place and is taking the kids overnights. This was hard for me but the break was much needed although I was so glad to hug my babies when they arrived home again.

The boys now have a physical location to place their dad and they are learning about their 2 separate homes. Right now they think they are still visiting their dad but I want them to feel like they are going to their other home. This will take some work and time but I think in the end it will be good for the boys. I think this transition will be pivotal in the relationship between myself and the ex, the kids and their dad and the ex and his girlfriend. All around it will give us a chance to see what life is really going to be like... I LOVE the way it is looking!

I know that my blog is not as exciting as it sometimes is but other than shouting from the roof tops how happy and at peace I am, I do not have much to say. There are, of course, every day stresses and the hurdles of being a single mom but right now everything seems manageable. It is all in perception and how you look at life. Being happy is a choice and when you make that choice, everything else seems to fall into place

Limits – 14/8/11

To dream anything that you want to dream. That is the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed.

Bernard Edmonds

I have been dreading this past weekend. It is the first time my boys spent a full 48 hours with their dad and his girlfriend. Everyone told me to enjoy, to relax but how was I going to spend the night alone in my house? Luckily, I did not have to. This weekend turned out to be two days when my personal limits were pushed and I was able to see what I am capable of. 

I travelled to BC with a friend on Friday night. We had a long drive full of great conversation and good company. Our final destination was a high ropes course, with a few zip lines. We tackled the ropes course first thing Saturday morning as I had to be home that evening.

At its highest point, this course is 40 feet high in the trees and the only way across each obstacle is by means of swinging boards, single cables or ziplines. I am not typically fearful of heights but 40 feet up, connected only by 2 ropes connected to a harness is a little fear-provoking and to be asked to cross various, incredibly difficult obstacles is petrifying. I was shaking like a leaf as we entered the black course, ready to take the zip line down to the ground, the easy way out. It took all the courage I had, and the unwavering encouragement of my friend for me to suck it up and fly across the next obstacle, past the point of no return and attempt the obstacle that I was almost certain I could not do. My friend stood at the other end of this obstacle, talking me through it, encouraging me. 3 steps from the end I fell and had to somehow pull myself up. I was sure I didn't have the strength to do this, but I did. By the time my feet hit the ground I was so happy and so proud. I had accomplished something I was sure I could not do. I saw how strong and capable I was. My friend hugged me when I reached the end and we were both proud of what I had accomplished. It was amazing!

I know that sounds like quite a day but that was just the beginning. When we finished the course we quickly headed for home so I could run the 10km race I had signed up for months ago and had been dreading for weeks. Yes, after using every ounce of adrenaline my body could produce that morning, I was going to run a race. I had been training but not for the distance I had wanted. I had trained for 6 or 7 km at most and I looked for every excuse to quit because I certainly did not want to be the last one across the finish line.

The same friend I went to BC with told me that I couldn't quit, that I was capable and who cares if I was last, at least I accomplished what I set out to do. Up until the minute the race started, I wanted to quit. The first 5 km were not too bad at all, kms 6-8 sucked - I thought I was going to die. By kms 8-9, everything hurt but I knew I was close and I was not going to quit. I came across the finish line with a personal best time. 

I saw the last runner as we were leaving on the bus and she looked brilliant. She was going to finish and what she was about to accomplish was amazing! I didn't look at her and think she was slow, I looked at her and thought it was incredible because she did not give up. This race was another indication to me of what I can accomplish. I will run another 10km and beat my time and then start training for a 1/2 marathon because I know I can do it and I know it does not matter how long it takes as long as I do not give up. 

I slept until 11:30 this morning, something I have not done in years. It was so nice to be able to sleep in and not worry! I am badly bruised from the ropes course - I look like someone laid the boots to me. I am sore, it hurts to sit, stand, laugh, move in general but I feel absolutely great! I did not give up on myself, like I had wanted to so many times. I was able to accomplish things that I never thought possible, especially 5 months ago. The woman I was 5 months ago would not have even tried, let alone looked her fears in the face and laughed. My boys had a good weekend and are now home with  me. I guess that was another fear I faced and that too turned out okay. 

I am thankful that I have so many wonderful supportive friends and family and am very grateful for a friend this weekend who would not let me walk away from things that were very important to me. I was encouraged to push my boundaries and in turn I saw what I was capable of, physically and even mentally. It takes tons of determination, courage, and confidence to look fear in the eye but I have done it so many times over the last few months that I know now, I will never let fear stop me from anything again. I can do anything I set my mind to. 

Happiness – 10/8/11

"Don't miss all the beautiful colors of the rainbow looking for that pot of gold." -Unknown

Part of what makes animals and humans so different is our ability to feel a wide range of emotions. To love, hate, worry and celebrate are feeling that we have been blessed (or cursed) with.  I am incredibly happy at them  moment  but at the same time, this happiness is clouded by stress related to so many things and not just the ex this time.

Life has a way of sometimes giving a person a full plate. I feel like my plate has been full or overflowing for  a very long time and I would like it to be empty, just for a little while. Life has dumped a lot of stuff on my plate and while not all bad, it is very overwhelming when it needs to be dealt with all at once. I am tired and not coping with day to day stresses with the same brilliant smile plastered on my face that has been typical over the last few months.

Many people assume that since I am stressed over health, my ex, and other concerns, I am not happy when in fact, I am happier than I have been for a long time. It is hard for me to enjoy this happiness that has given me joy in my heart and a welcome peace of mind when overshadowed by all the extra "stuff". It is all part n' parcel of life but it is definitely a juggling act and I am learning that I need to let a lot go so I can truly enjoy the happiness that is surrounding me. 

It all comes down to recognizing what is important and what needs to be focused on, what to let go of and what to hold on to. It is also important to realize that there is a time and place for worry and a time and place to be happy. My mission is to pour my energy into the things I can change, the things I can improve and the things that give me the most happiness. Life is brilliant and I don't want to waste it on the things I cannot change while missing out on the things that truly make me happy. 

Blue-Eyed Baby – 4/8/11

"Baby is born with a need to be loved -- and never outgrows it."
~Frank A. Clark

4 years ago today, I gave birth to my beautiful, blue-eyed baby. He arrived quickly, in a flurry of chaos, that could never had been predicated by the young nurse who disagreed with the woman who announced he was arriving NOW! He was delivered by a nurse who I am sure, like a killer bee, released pheromones that she was in distress. I was yelling, what seemed like 50 nurses were yelling, my ex was there holding my hand, then into the world he came. The moment he was placed in my arms I was in love. He was perfect!

He is the one most like me. In my opinion, he looks the most like me although some disagree. He is the only one of my boys that has my blue eyes. He has a personality like mine, toughest on the outside, easiest to be hurt on the inside. He always wants to do good by others but knee jerk reactions and fierce passion sometimes cause him to get into a wee bit of trouble. He is outgoing and very social, never afraid to march up to the person at the counter of a store and ask a question. Sometimes my boy and I clash because we are far to much alike. 

He has a fierce temper which I am guessing came from his dad, but I am not sure. I was told my ex had an awful temper as a kid but I never saw this temper in all its fury. My little blue eyed man is ready to fight if he feels an injustice has been done, even if this injustice is minor or almost non-existent. I wonder if this is what my ex's family meant when referring to his temper. I guess it is my little guy's passion that drives his ferocity and I try my best to calm it. He fights with his fists and his voice before he thinks and it could get him in trouble as he gets older. He has a big heart but lots of hurt so we need to harness the anger and unleash the passion in a positive way.

I worry about my blue-eyed boy. I sometimes think he is the one who lost the most the past 6 months. His dad, who he was very close to, was his buddy - he looked up to him and then he left. His best little friend was the neighbor's son and while I am trying to connect the boys again, he lost that too for a long time. He loved my ex's dog, considered it his dog but it was just another thing that he lost.  At the age of 3, he lost so much that was close to his heart. We had no idea how to explain it so he could understand. He is angry and it hurts my heart. He has become closer to me, relies on me more because I am the one here for him but sometimes he still wants his dad and it is confusing for him. He once asked me where daddy was and I said he was at his new house. He then told me that this was because daddy had hurt me (the ex had been open with the boys about this) and I said yes, but daddy loves you very much, always remember that. In his 3 year old wisdom he said, then why did he leave? How do I answer that?

My little man also missed out on being the baby. My second got sick when my blue-eyed baby was only 8 months old. He spent more time with his grandparents than he typically would have and the time at home with his mom and dad was filled with stress, worry, hurt, anger and questions. He was such a beautiful little boy, with enormous blue eyes and a dimple but he had no idea what was going on in his world. My handsome man has gotten the short end of the stick all the way around but it has not made him any less brilliant. 

He has a fantastic imagination, and I marvel as I sit here watching him play with his new Spiderman toys creating all sorts of scenarios all by himself. He is kind and gentle with animals in a way that speaks volumes about his nature. He talks about his friends more than my others did at this age - he is a socialite and loves to be around people. He is warm, caring and so passionate. He loves deeply with his entire heart. There is no half way with this kid - it is all or nothing. He is intrigued by fish and sharks and loves anything that has to do with the ocean. He can sit for long periods watching the neighbor's fish when we fish-sit it. He is gorgeous too, with ears that stick out just a bit, mischievous eyes that twinkle a brilliant shade of blue and a dimple that reels everybody in. I love him more than words could ever express. 

He is going to move mountains. I can already see him being the popular athletic kid that others envy, filling my house with guy friends and giggly girls. As much as I worry, I know that as long as he knows both his mom and dad love him, he will make it through all of this okay. I need to make sure that he knows that he is amazing and special and that will never, ever change. I love you Buddy, Happy 4th Birthday!!!

If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do matters very much. 

Jackie Kennedy

Sunshine and Lollipops – 2/8/11

So once again we face a paradox, for it appears that softening your heart and gently tending its wounds will protect you from evil. Building a fortress and defending yourself behind it will only make you more vulnerable. Healing your own heart is the single most powerful thing you can do to change the world. Your own transformation will enable you to withdraw so completely from evil that you contribute to it by not one word, one thought, or one breath. This healing process is like recovering your soul.

Deepak Chopra

It has been a fun few days and probably the most volatile situation I have had to deal with. What you read on my blog is just the tip of a very large iceberg, one that I am not currently prepared to uncover for the masses due to the hostility released the one time I write about how I truly feel.  I told the ex how I felt again, on a different matter, and the proverbial shit hit the fan all over again. This is no longer a blog issue as my blog is about my journey and not the day to day pettiness I deal with. The larger issue is one of accepting responsibility by my ex and standing strong for myself and my children. The issues are soaked in emotion. It is a situation that needs to diffuse before the idea of being friendly is even a remote possibility.

The ex has really gotten under my skin in the last few days. I have cried and yelled and been confused - all things that I vowed I would not give him the power to make me do or feel ever again. I have not been able to let some of the things said and done to me slide so he has gotten a very big emotional response from me. He is only aware of some of that response. I feel frustrated that I let him get to me. It is no reflection of how I feel about it him but more of a reflection of how much anger I have to let go of. 

I have prided myself in handling the past few months compassionately and although much easier on him, it has also been easier on my children. I fed him to the wolves the other night, maybe not a shining moment but I had several reasons. The biggest one was that I wanted to expose the way he continues to talk to me if I don't bow to his whims.  I have been honest in exposing my honest feelings and see no reason to hide his. He cannot make those comments and expect me to hide them. 

The second reason was that I wanted him to hurt. I will never be able to cause that same deep wound but I wanted him to feel hated. At that moment, my emotions caused a knee jerk reaction and I let the world have a go at him. He asked me if it made me feel better about myself. I was honest and said "yeah, it kinda did." I do not regret doing what I did and if backed into the same corner by his arrogance and bullying, would probably do it again. He knows my blog is public, he know friends and family read it,  it was his decision to post his comment.

The third reason for posting this unpleasantness was for my blog friends so they realize that they are not the only ones with volatile exs. My initial reason for the blog was to connect to those going through the same things and that is still very important to me. I know how terrible it is to feel like nobody understands. Even if it is only a voice through a blog, it is feeling connected and that helps a person heal. 

He needs to realize, although I am not sure he ever will, the damage he has done. He has made the affairs my fault in his mind. Because I am such a bitch (his words), he just had to get away from me. I must say though, this was a man that told everybody that he was happy. He told counsellors, friends, family, everyone, that he was happy and this was the only place he wanted to be. He wanted it to work, he was not going anywhere, he would never cheat again. He lied so many times he made it so nothing could be fixed. He made a conscious choice to play with my emotions and my heart, something that no human has a right to do to another.  So, as much as he, in his world at the moment, sees this as my fault, it needs to be said that I am only guilty of believing the man I once loved. 

It also needs to be said that his continuous threats to no longer be friends with me is no skin off of my back personally. As much as he is able to provoke an emotional response on an argumentative level, I am quite indifferent to him. I do not care if I see him or talk to him. He is not doing me any favors by being friendly, he is not hurting me by threatening never to talk to me. I do not care.

That said, I do care as a mother. My boys can smell phony a mile away. They can sense the tension and they react to it. I want us to be civil for them but it is not a one way street and it cannot be held over my head like a treat, only to be yanked away the moment his panties get tied in a knot. Us being friendly is the best thing for our boys but he has informed me that he never wants to see me or talk to me again. For sure, no tears will be shed over this. I will bust my ass to not let his decision affect the boys sense of security. 

We will not be friends for a long time but we can be civil. Maybe one day our boys will have parents that can be in the same room without making the air so thick it can be cut with a knife. I hope we can sit together and smile with pride as we watch our boys do amazing things because they all will. They are people we created together and that is something that will never change no matter how much hate is shared between the two of us. My hope is that we will be able to nurture these young, amazing lives together instead of damaging them more than they already have been. 

I am reevaluating and looking at the last few days and I am proud of myself for standing up for what I believe. I will think before I react to him and although things may end up just the same, it is a good thing to start practicing.  I am glad that I am setting clear boundaries for a relationship that is separate. He needs to understand that we are no longer married. He replaced me very quickly and has a new woman to take care of him, to help him solve his problems, and to share his emotions with. I am okay with this, he is all hers, but I should not constantly be asked for any favours. Our lives are separate other than communications regarding our boys. We need lots of time and plenty of space as we move forward. Yeah I am lonely sometimes but even that has changed in the last little while. Things are looking up. Who knows what the future holds but I am sure mine is going to be full of happiness. 

The drop grows happy by losing itself in the river. 

– Mirza Ghalib