Yup, Angry Again – 15/4/11

Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.

~Aristotle~

I seem to be bouncing between anger and optimism which is good as I am moving forward but I would like to get past the anger... Anger is fun at times but at other times it drains me.

I am angry today, angry at my ex husband for walking out on his family, on our boys, on everything he said he had always wanted. Don't take this as me wanting him to come home, because I am over that but today I am feeling angry.

I am angry that my ex does not get why I am angry and I am angry that he does not understand that his actions have had a ripple effect that will forever be felt. I am angry that he spends more time with her than with his boys,  that he walked out on his boys for another woman, another family.

My ex vowed he would not turn his back on his boys, as he felt his dad turned his back on him after remarrying and having a second family. However he is doing the same thing, although in a more cowardly and cruel way. I am angry that I have to live with his affair being paraded around in front of me, with the dirty little reminder right next door.

 I am angry that he gets to have a fun care free life while life with responsibilities continues here. I am now both a mom and a dad to my beautiful boys. I run everything, I get no sleep, I have to watch my boys fall apart and then I have to bury my feelings so I can pick up the pieces. It is bull shit, plain and simple.

I am angry that people's mouths hang open when I share my story, and I share it a lot. The reaction is never different, it is always full of disgust. I can only laugh, it is my only option. I am angry that he is living in a fairy tale but he cannot see that she is certainly not Tinkerbell.

I am angry that he had no issue walking away.. it shows me that he has no heart. I am angry and I hate him for what he has done. I am not sure I will ever find forgiveness for him; his actions are unforgivable. I am angry that I feel so much anger. I will not let him take my newfound happiness. He could not give me happiness - I found it and I will not let him take it away from me.

I am thankful that for every step back, I seem to take 5 forward. I am thankful that my boys and I have each other. I will never walk away from them. I am thankful for all the people that love and care about my little family. I am thankful that I can look in the mirror and like what I see.

I am thankful that for a special day at school today, I could dress my little boy as Harry Potter and share in his excitement. I am thankful for baby giggles and goodnight kisses. I am thankful for bear hugs and warm hello's. I am thankful for big blue eyes and unwavering determination. I am thankful that in my heart I know that we will be okay. I am sure of this.