Baggage – 15/9/11

Carrying your negative emotional baggage requires energy that could be put to much better use - say goodbye to it, let it go, and get on with your life. 

Lucy MacDonald

It is a little over 5 months since that snowy day when I asked my ex to leave, a little over 5 months since I started to discover who I have become and who I want to be, a little over 5 months of intense transformation, physically and mentally. I will continually be a work in progress but now I know what I have to focus on and I am ready for the challenge. 

My challenge is to learn how to trust and take the power away from my ex - he does not control me. I control my thoughts and my actions. I have said many times that my ex broke me, that I am damaged beyond repair. I had a very good friend point out to me today that I am not broken in the least and if I act as such it is only because I am still letting the selfish, insane actions of my ex control me. I am only broken if I allow the ex to break me. Dammit, I am not going to let that happen. 

I am battling my weight and I am winning, I am battling to find happiness and have succeeded many times over. I am battling with my fear of committing to someone again and am realizing that if I do not give my head a shake and take control, this is a battle that I could lose. I am reacting out of fear. I am taking the baggage that my ex gave to me and projecting it onto another who does not deserve it in the least. I am panicked and am acting in a way that could qualify me as certifiably nuts. I think that on some level I am seeing how much it will take to destroy something that makes me truly happy because I am afraid to accept that happiness because of the fear of being hurt again. Today, I am learning to let go and see the potential in what is not my ex but something entirely different and more brilliant. 

I am learning that it is time to let go of the anger. Anger is like poison and I am not going to let it kill the good in my life. I am learning that while my ex's actions were horribly hurtful, I am the one that will decide what to do with the feelings left behind . I have made this choice in all other aspects of my life but now, when it comes to matters of the heart, I am still letting his actions control how I interact with others and that is just not acceptable in my mind. 

I think I am about to embark on the most difficult battle to date. Allowing myself to be vulnerable, letting go of the mistrust and enjoying life as it unfolds will be hard for me, but not impossible. Finding happiness and not allowing the ex's actions to jeopardize that happiness will take some work on my part but I deserve to be happy, to care and to live without fear of past actions repeating. I am not going to shoot myself in the foot, I have too much to gain.