“Change is never easy, you fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.”
– The Wonder Years
It is amazing how, from one day to the next the clarity of our thoughts can change. How we look at things is clearer one day than another. As we have interactions with others we learn things and it can cloud the way we look at life. I honestly cannot wait until that pivotal moment when I will know that everything is alright! To be honest though, I am not sure if that moment ever truly comes until we are at peace with ourselves and I am working hard at that and making great progress.
Things are good, don't get me wrong. However, I learned today, that as much as I know that I cannot control things, I am having a hard time letting go of the of the need to try and make things turn out the way I want them to. I know that I have to let the cards fall where they drop but damn, I am having a hard time with that. I want to analyze everything, figure it all out but then, when things do not go as planned, I get disappointed. We learn things each day and the relevance of these things may be of great importance or of no importance at all but depending on our thinking, we can manipulate the importance to fit our hopes, dreams and ultimately our expectations.
I am learning that life is unfolding as it should but I am a dreamer. I find my dreams make me over analyze things because I try to manipulate life to fit them. Letting go and letting life happen as it should is incredibly difficult for me. I want to be a true free spirit and I can say that I am 100X more free than I was a few months ago but I still have a lot to learn before I am able to be the woman I envision.
I think the first step is being open and honest with myself, knowing what I want and figuring out how to get it. I really want to embrace the lessons I learn and take the good from even the worst situations. I want to be true to myself. I see others who are in my life, indirectly, bowing to the pressure to be accepted and being so untrue to themselves. I feel sorry for them. I will never compromise my morals, values or friendships to cater to a dream I have. If the dream is meant to happen, I will not have to sacrifice the things I truly believe in. I will always be honest with myself.
I guess the next "me" thing to work on is the whole control thing. I have always been anal retentive, even as a kid I would match my pajamas to my bed sheets. I am now going to focus on trusting that things will work out, even if they are not exactly the way I think they should. As long as I am true to who I am and I strive to be who I want to be, life will be magnificent! This is going to be tough but I have already proven to myself that I am strong enough!
“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” – Lao Tzu
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