Moving On – 23/4/11

"You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughta be."

~Richard from Texas

Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

So I had a terrible day yesterday. I was awakened  before 6 again just like every day for 3.5 weeks now and the kids were fighting and just plain wired. I was lonely and feeling rather empty, so I spent an entire day caring about someone who does not care back - what a waste of time.

I need these days to reevaluate where my head is at. I have people telling me left, right and centre to be strong, to not let him see me waiver, to not let him see I care. I thought, to hell with that. He can see the damage he has done, he can watch me overcome the sorrow and with it, he might learn to respect what he gave up. I am not an emotionless woman, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I am a hopeless romantic, I believe in soul mates and true love. This is not a weakness. However, I also believe in self respect, integrity, honesty, strength and courage. For some reason my belief in true love was making me compromise some of those other things I value so much!

I have been spending so much time in the last few days believing in soul mates, that I forgot what he actually did to me. I have been telling everyone that I am fine, I am better than better, that everything is good. You know,  often that is true but what I hide are the days when I want to lay in the fetal position in the corner and suck my thumb, when my body actually hurts because my heart is so broken, times when I feel so incredibly empty.

I've come to realize that although I have been saying that he is the other half of me, that is not true. If he was, he would be fighting to be back with me. He would actually care enough to at least try and repair the damage that has been done. He would feel as though half of him was missing too. I also realized that I may actually find my soul mate and it may not be him. I know that I may actually meet someone who loves me the way I deserve to be loved. This realization may seem small, but it is huge - a big piece of letting go.

Like I said, I believe in true love - If my ex and I are truly meant to be together, our paths will cross again. I am not holding my breath for that however because I know now, that I may meet that person who will sweep me off my feet and love me for who I am. Someone who does things for me because it makes me happy and does not avoid them because it seems like a waste. Someone who loves me perfectly despite my imperfections. Or, I may come to realize my own company is better than putting up with the disappointments of my past. My ex is all I have known but I am figuring out that this does not equate to he is all I will ever know.

Letting go is super scary, I am petrified as I move into the unknown. I realize though that there is something more scary than the unknown - it's holding onto my past and letting my future pass me by. I am not going to let anything else pass me by, I have wasted too much time on someone who does not spend any time thinking about me. The below quote is what woke me up. Plain and simple- I have to move on!

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on."
~Tupac_Shakur~