Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart walking around outside your body. - Elizabeth Stone
There are moments in life that you dread. You fear them and when they arrive they can go one of 3 ways; they can be worse than you thought possible; exactly as you imagined, or; not quite as bad as you thought they would be. Today, I handed my babies over to my ex and his girlfriend, a scenario that I had played over a million times in my head and I gotta tell you, the pain was more than I could have ever imagined.
I waited until I was in my car after kissing my boys good bye and then I sobbed, full on ugly crying. I cried all the way back home. I felt broken. I was missing a part of me. I leave my boys when I go to work everyday without this feeling but to leave them with another woman, his third woman in 6 months, ugh, that was unbearable.
Once I calmed down, I felt something that I have not felt in a really long time. I felt hate. I can honestly say that at that moment I hated my ex more than I have ever hated anything or anyone in my entire life. This is his fault - this pain is because of him and his actions. Surprisingly, good things have happened to me since he left and I am thankful that he is gone but there are still the things that hurt. I did not choose this life and I did not choose this pain. He chose it for me and now I have to deal with it. He was cold and heartless enough to throw me under the bus and run as quick as he could into the arms of another woman and now, already, he thinks it's fine to introduce her into our boys' lives. Not sure when his heart and his brain fell out, he used to be a kind, thoughtful man.
I don't like to feel hate, it destroys me from the inside out, so I needed to get rid of it. I went to the gym and ran faster than I usually do and at a higher incline than I usually do. I used every bit of negative energy to fuel my endurance. I burned 820+ calories in 68 minutes. When I left I no longer felt hate, no longer felt saddness. I was just ready to go get my babies! I went for groceries, got myself a booster juice and went to get my men.
I was so happy to see them. They were kinda indifferent to see me but that is okay. They aren't sure how they should act because this is all new for them. They told me about the fun they had, the animals they saw and that they liked the ex's girlfriend. Cannot say I was impressed to hear that but a good friend put it into perspective for me when she asked if I would feel better if they hated her and she had been mean. No. I want my kids to be safe and happy when they are with their dad so I heard exactly what I wanted deep down, even if it stung.
I feel frustrated because my ex and his girlfriend are fun for the boys to be with. He gets to look like the model dad. How hard can that be for 4 hours at the zoo? Back at home they have things to do and mom is tired. I have to feed them, bathe them, make lunches, prepare medications and do 6 loads of laundry. They are little so the way they see it, dad is pretty cool and mom is a grouch, I am bitter about that.
So this is another first in a long line of things I have to do that make me feel angry, hurt and frustrated. Today was hard. Pieces of my heart walked away from me but at the end of the day all the pieces came back. I tucked them all in bed, kissed them goodnight and got to hear I love you mommy 4 times as they each gave me a good night hug. I will comfort the ones that wake up in the night with nightmares, and it will reaffirm that I am so blessed. The next time will be a little easier but I cannot say I will ever be okay with sending little pieces of myself to hang out with another woman.
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