The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins. ~Bob Moawad
I am slowly learning to be a little less of a control freak. I like to control all elements of my world and even the things I cannot control, I like to think I can. Letting go of this need is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I am learning that to truly enjoy life, I must let go of the things that are beyond my control.
I had a long chat with a great friend last night. I was frustrated over a turn of events, perfectly executed by my ex. I had to let go once again and hand my children over to him and his girlfriend but this time it involved her driving two of my babies because I would not loan my car to my ex (see "What do I owe You" blog). I hate him in these moments when I so badly want to control each and every aspect of his time with my boys because I worry about them.
My good friend pointed out that it is beyond my control when the kids are in his care. She explained that to truly enjoy my time, I have to stop imagining what may go wrong. She also said, with brilliant and true insight, that both my ex and his girlfriend will be extra good to the boys as they try to prove to each other what good parents they can be. It is a game, a show, a mating ritual and lots of fun until reality sinks in. This made me feel better and I was able to let it go. I felt a million times lighter. New love is fun, wooing each other is fun, 4 children are fun too but not so much when the "honeymoon" is over and everyone is removed from the perfectly created bubble. This is a show that I am going to enjoy watching.
I am also letting go some of the pure hatred I have for my skanky neighbor. I will never be friends with her, I will never trust her but being filled with rage is sapping my positive energy. The fury is beginning to get old. I will be pleasant, not friendly, for the sake of my kids and to alleviate the awkwardness that radiates between the 2 house. It is a shitty situation but I am not going anywhere, they are not going anywhere, so I might as well make the best of it. My children enjoy playing with her children and I am not going to let my feelings take away from my boys. She offered me a beer today, I said no. We will never be beer drinking friends but at least the awkwardness was a bit removed. I am letting go of this one, little by little. I still have a lot of anger and it will take a while.
I am also learning to let go of the ideas I have about my future and how it should play out. Of course I have hope and dreams, goals I will work toward but I cannot craft it to perfectly follow an exact plan. Things have unfolded for me over the last week or two that I never would have thought about months ago, even weeks ago, and I am having fun. I am enjoying myself and have realized that just because I did not plan what happens, it does not mean I can't enjoy it. There is something to be said for spontaneity - it is sometimes okay to put down your guard. Good things can happen and if not, it is a lesson.
So here I am, letting go of yet another thing that has defined me in the past. It is amazing how the thoughtless actions of someone else can lead to amazing self discovery. I am up for the challenge but it is really hard, it hurts a little bit and it scares me. My main thought though, is bring it on because I will not allow anything to defeat me.
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