For a couple with young children, divorce seldom comes as a “solution” to stress, only as a way to end one form of pain and accept another.
FRED ROGERS
I have spent much time writing about my road to recovery and have not touched on something that breaks my heart. It hurts too much to write about it sometimes.
There are 4(well actually 6 but I do not know about the other 2) innocent victims who have been betrayed by those they love and are now suffering the consequences. 4 beautiful little boys who have had their world turned upside down. Children who were never thought about... my heart breaks and I will do whatever I can do to make them feel cherished and secure.
My youngest does not really know what is going on. This is good and bad. He may come out with the fewest scars yet he will never get to know the love of an intact, 2 parent home. What a loss for this poor little boy, whose giggles light up any life. I am thankful that I can hear those giggles every day. They are a remedy to any sadness, they make my heart grow and repair itself every time I hear them. I will nurture him in every way possible so the effects of the loss are not felt as deeply as they certainly could be.
My 3rd is 3.5. In a matter of weeks he has lost a father in his home and his best little friend. He wakes up with nightmares, calling for the little boy next door. Nobody stopped to think of him or what the impact of their actions on him would be. He no longer wants to go to school, we have fits of crying and temper tantrums before he goes. He always comes home with a smile on his face - he enjoys being there but he questions who will be there. He needs constant reassurance that mom or Grandma will be there when he is done. He cries when he learns his dad is coming, not because he does not want to see his dad, because he does not know what to expect. He cries because he is unsure if mom will come back and he knows his dad will leave again. He is 3 and carries the burden and worry that an adult should not carry... all because of the greedy actions of others.
My second, he is special in so many ways. The world is different to him. He senses more than most, he reacts differently. He needs constant reassurance that I am coming back. He fears that I too will leave him. His grandfather ended up in the hospital days after his dad left. He did not say much but was excited, yet torn when asked if he wanted to go pick up grandpa at the hospital a week later. The smile that grandpa received was one so genuine and so thankful that it could never be replicated... he had thought grandpa had gone away too. He is a little more defiant, does not tell me he loves me like he used to but I know he does when he starts crying when I pick him up from school. He's not crying because he is sad but crying because he is so relieved to see me there. I had a group of moms tell me they would love a welcome like that... it pains me to say, no they wouldn't. They do not understand why I get such a welcome. That welcome is not worth the price my boys are paying.
My eldest is a brave, kind soul. He is vigilant and makes sure he knows the days his dad is coming. He asks me continuously in order to solidify it in his brain. He draws pictures for his dad, he asks me what his dad would think of certain things. He is always excited to hear that dad would be proud. But he is angry and sometimes lashes out. He is in a bit of a power struggle right now because he has lost so much control. He is trying to regain his footing anywhere he can. He tells me to stop telling him that his dad loves him and I love him because he already knows. I try to reassure him when he cannot sleep, which is nightly, I guess silence and cuddles is what he needs. He has always been quite popular and is always being invited to parties, which is still the case. However he comes home numerous times a week telling me he spent recess alone, sometimes just because, sometimes because he needs to think. What a great life for a 7 year old, spending recess thinking about the disarray his life is in. He tries to be brave, he hides his tears... he is very protective of me. asking me daily if I am okay. I am glad that now I can at least give him the reassurance that I am.
Their dad doesn't get to see this. He spends a few hours a week with them and they are so excited to see him that many of these behaviors do not shine through. My ex does not get to talk to the teachers who call concerned, he does not deal with the nightmares each night and he does not get the anger his sons are feeling. I am okay with dealing with this stuff because I am a parent, that is what I do.
I came to a realization on Sunday after my humiliating experience with my ex, that not only will I be okay without him but I will never take him back because that would give him the opportunity to walk out on my boys again. I will never be able to fix all the damage from the first time - why would I ever let it happen again? I am doing good, my boys are doing okay. The thought of what has been done to me does not sting like it used to. My heart breaks for my boys.
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