Something’s Got To Change – 27/5/11

"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." 

-Charles Dickens

Wow, there are some days when you can look back at what you've put up with in the past and think, what the hell was I thinking? Moments where you want to give your head a shake. These are not regrets but more of a reality check, trying to understand what state of mind you used to be in. I have no idea, in all honesty, how little I valued myself, to be treated the way I was today and, for that matter, for the last few years.

Yup, we got in another fight. I will not get into all the little details but it started with a remark from me and ended with me being told to Fuck off in front of my children, in my own home. I am proud to say that I did not swear or yell in front of my kids, pleased to say that I saved my words for the front porch, out of the boys earshot.

I am busting my ass, trying to teach my boys how to respect women. Moments after his dad left, my oldest slammed a door into my arm and told me that he hated me.  There seems to be a connection. I want my ex to be a part of the boys lives but I am getting the sense that he feels as though his visits are a favor to me. If I ask him to come earlier, he wants to leave earlier. He says it is me that he can't stand to be around but i am rarely there.

I know this arrangement sucks, it does for both of us. I get why he does not want to be here and I certainly do not want him in my home. I want him to play a bigger role in the boys lives, not less of one but I am not sure how we are going to make it until fall when he and his latest girlfriend move to the same city as me and can have visitation at their house.

He does not want to be in my house anymore, but says he wants to see the boys. He wants me to drive the boys to him but that does not work with school days. I am not a taxi service and cannot afford to bring the boys into the city all the time.

 I have to come to terms with the fact that another woman will be near my children in a caregiver role. Shit, that scares the hell out of me.

I feel no love when I look at my ex anymore. I don't even feel hate... I feel nothing. Well, maybe I feel wonderment as I look at him and his actions, our actions together and wonder, "what the hell was I thinking?"