HMPH -30/4/11

For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring. 

~Carl Sagan~

Delusional is sometimes a way to be, so long as you are able to get out and realize the world is happening all around you. You can go to that happy safe place but there comes a time when you must realize others are look ing at your actions, wondering what the hell is wrong with you....

I can approach this from two ways, my delusions or my ex's. Or at least my perceptions of my ex's. For me it is simple. I am delusional because I think he and I can be friends. I can pretend to be interested in him and his new girlfriend. I can pretend it does not hurt when he doesn't meet his obligations to others, the day after the new girlfriend arrives home, to be with her, when he did not,even once in 4 years, do that for me or for emergencies with the kids. Yup, in my delusional little world, I am okay with all these things because I am a good ex wife, who is strong and good. I am taking the high road. Being friends is a way of holding on, when I should be letting go. 

Reality is this. I could not care less about the new girlfriend. Every time he talks about her, he rips a little piece of my heart out. We will probably not be friends for a long time because our friendship is killing me bit by bit. He is gaining from it, I am losing, that is not a friendship. I want to break his heart into a thousand jagged pieces when he makes an effort for her, when he never considered making that effort for us. I guess, all day sex is better that a tired wife and children that need nurturing. I can't compete, probably never could but I've grown up, why would I want to. This is not an even playing field. 

He asked me if I was pissy at him today. No, not at him but at the fact that life is all fucking sunshine and lollipops for him while my time is spent trying to put together our broken little boys. Pissy at his choices, pissy at the world, pissy that reality is currently not an option for him. Reality would sting far too much for him to handle, believe me I know, the sting lingers. I had 4 screaming kids at Walmart today, while he was doing whatever, you know, see above. I am living reality. None of this is jealousy, I do not want this delusional little world near me.

Reality is, I cannot be bothered by his delusions. I know what people are saying, I know what has happened to his reputation but that is not my issue. My reality is I have to let go and free my self from all this bull shit... because it is not worth my time and energy.