"I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death."
Thomas Paine
When all this began, every moment was a bad moment. That evolved into only a few moments each day, to only a few bad days a week, to only a few moments each week. I am now having a few bad moments every couple of weeks. I like this progression.
I am able to let those bad moments slide pretty easily, not dwelling too long on a problem that is quite obviously not going away and quite obviously unfixable. That said, I wish I could predict what will set me off. A phone call, a text a glimpse of the "happy" couple next door. Something that could make my stomach turn upside down one day, doesn't phase me at all the next or vise versa. As happy as I am, as much as I am able to let things slide way better than I used to, these moments wear on me.
I know this is normal and I know that I am doing quite well considering all that has happened but these moments make me feel weak, insecure and confused. I wish I could pinpoint what makes me vulnerable to certain things at certain times. I guess it could be stress and lack of sleep but even those I am getting used to. They are my new norm, I tend to thrive in chaos, unsure of what to do with myself in peaceful moments. So even that theory does not explain why I have a hard time coping occasionally. It frustrates me, I want to be happy all the time although I know that is not logical.
I guess I need to do exactly what I have been doing and roll with the punches. I know that the things that get me down, no longer keep me down and that is a huge accomplishment. I guess I will keep getting up each time I get knocked down because every time I stand up, I get stronger
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. ~John Vance Cheney
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