ARGHHHHHHH – 27/4/11

~ One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~

Steve Deitz

I don't often find myself in a blind rage, where I see red and shake. When I do it usually ends with me sobbing and emotionally worn out... That happened today and for once it was not at the hands of my ex... well, not directly.

Today my ex and I had to meet to get our sons assessment results. Not what we expected but not surprising and just a hell of a lot more struggles for our little guy and for us to deal with. That is a different blog, one I am not prepared to write yet. While sitting in the waiting room our discussion led to my ex confronting me about asking a friend to check on him at work back in October. I was feeling pretty vulnerable at the time and never thought much of it because my friend ended up not being able to do it. I had forgotten about it as it was not really a big deal in my mind until he brought it up. He was mad and hurt. Hurt that I did not trust him even back then. But my spider senses were working and pretty accurately at that! Do you think I could get him to tell me who told him? No way, but then I figured it out on my own.

It was the neighbor, who was my friend, and her betrayal is almost as devastating as my ex's betrayal. I can say that she was more of a catalyst in our demise than the first affair... The first affair was cheap and disgusting but nothing compared to the neighbor. I have learned of the things she told my ex, which is pretty much everything I ever said to her in any state... happy, sad, vulnerable. She also used the things I confessed about my ex as I shared his fears and weaknesses and she preyed upon those. She found the weak spot and moved right in. She did not bat an eyelash, she was going to win and she was going to make me look like a horrible person. She was going straight for the jugular, one of those skanks that decent women know as predators.

I lost it tonight. I think I had such a hard time because I can see that this whole affair is over nothing, that she made me into something that I am not. I am not defending my ex, he made a choice to trust her over me and not talk to me like a grown up. He has made his choices and it is, in the end those choices that have ended our relationship. However, the betrayal of a friend, to the degree that she has betrayed me has shaken me to the core. My most desperate, hurt feelings, told to someone I liked and trusted, have been used against me. Not only did she help in  ripping apart my family, she betrayed the trust of a girlfriend.

This was the first time in this whole disgusting turn of events that I have questioned and blamed myself. I was angry that I trusted her, I blamed myself for confiding in her. I felt stupid. This pisses me off too because I have never wavered in that aspect. I asked her to be a confidante to my husband when he was feeling really low, I have such good instincts and that crazy bitch eluded me!

I can hold my own in an argument and I can hold my own against others' manipulations but this one blindsided me. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive what she has done. She is a despicable excuse for a human being.