... And they lived happily ever after.
Life is full of amazing lessons! Lessons that make you cry, lessons that make you laugh. Lessons that make you think twice, lessons that free you from the chains of yesterday. It is what we choose to do with these lessons that can ultimately decide whether we are happy or not. Are we going to let the chains of yesterday restrain us from the joys of today?
I am learning that although I am very aware of what I want - happiness - I am living my life looking for safety and therefore compromising the very things and people that could contribute to the happiness that I want. I live in fear, as a result of my past. In turn, I run from the beautiful gifts of today. How long can I let my past fuel the destruction of what I want to build today? I have an internal conflict - the need to be loved vs the fear of loving.
I have met a man who makes me laugh and even on a day when I have manifested some reason to be mad at him - because I am constantly trying to run away - he is able to evoke a smile. There is not one day since we met that I have not smiled. I am not saying it is all sunshine and lollipops in our relationship but just naturally he is able to get me to smile. This is something that I was told for years that I needed to do more of and now, amazingly, it comes naturally. I have a man who listens to my fears and does not personalize them by thinking it is me criticizing him. This man will hold my pink backpack and even my purse if I really need him to. I have a man that I have fallen in love with - not head over heals, twitterpated like a giddy high school girl, but a deep love grown out of a friendship, something much deeper and real. He is a man I have a history with, not a romantic history, not even a close friend type history, but a history nonetheless and that has given us a foundation to build on, a strong foundation. He holds me when I cry, he apologizes if he unintentionally hurts me and he looks at me in a way that I have never been looked at before. It is amazing to feel loved just from the glance of another.
Why the hell would I run from that? This is a question I keep asking myself as I try every bit of patience my kind man has shown me. I have handed him my heart. It is very fragile and delicate as it had been broken so badly by the actions of another. I was determined to never give my heart to another but I am not so sure I had a choice in the matter. But here it is, in his hands and he has treated it with kindness and compassion, trying very hard to keep the pieces together. Fixing the damage of anothers careless actions is not his job but he has a caring spirit; he is gentle. As any human, he has slipped and the pieces have shifted but every bit as carefully as he holds it daily, he has put it back together the way it should be. My heart is becoming whole again. I have fallen in love.
I cannot run anymore. My dad told me that ever since I was a little girl I was looking for that castle in the sky and I've told him that it is never too late to have a happily ever after. I told him that I want my fairy tale. He told me if I stop pushing, I may have found my prince. I figure this might be true since I have already kissed a toad. So many people have told me that I have to enjoy today, that fear of tomorrow will drive away the happiness that I so badly want. I have a man that has my heart. It is time he gets the rest of me as I want to love 100%. I want him to know that he is worth it, because he is. He makes me feel like I am worth it too. I know it is not going to be easy, I know I will still have moments where I want to turn and run as fast as possible but I am going to enjoy each day and each moment I have. I allow myself to be happy in all other areas of my life and I realize it is now time to be happy in love because not all men are toads. I think I may just be somebody's princess, something I have always wanted.
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