Your children need your presence more than your presents. ~Jesse Jackson
My posts go round and round... I am fine, I am sad, my kids.... well, I am back to my kids and I just don't know what to do. I know these things are normal but man, it is so hard to watch.
I think the hardest thing to watch is how my 3.5 year old is acting. He is so angry and so confused. He does not have the ability to say how he is feeling so I can only guess what is going on in that head of his. He cries so much, is so angry, he spends so much of his time screaming. He is such a sweet little boy, always trying to be good but he is falling apart at the seams. I give him as much love as I can but still with some boundaries and expectations. He fights everything, is afraid of losing even more. He no longer plays cooperatively with his brothers. Hitting and gaining control seem to be more important than fun. He must feel like he is spinning out of control and I just want to hold him and make it stop!
My babe, who I was sure was not effected has shown me twice that he too wonders where daddy has gone. This first was when the pizza guy knocked on the door and he ran as fast as he could yelling "daddy, daddy" to the door. I told him it was not daddy before I opened the door to prepare him. The next happened this morning, when he came into my room. My oldest was asleep, buried under the covers where his dad used to sleep. My oldest made a rather large lump and my baby excitedly started pulling at the covers saying "daddy, daddy". It broke my heart when he pulled back the covers and saw his brother... he loves his brother but he flopped down and said "daddy" one last time.
My oldest is continuing to ask questions, trying to make sense of his life. I was watching TV and a couple started fighting. He asked me if the man was going to leave now. I had to explain that people fight, and that is okay, even healthy. I explained that most people do not leave because they fight. He asked me about divorce and I tried to explain how a separation works and that it will lead to a divorce. His eyes lit up when he found out his parents were not yet divorced and he exclaimed "Daddy can still come back, you can get back together!" This lead to a very long conversation about the likelihood of this, trying to explain that this is not what was in the cards. This was followed by "but you could get back together, that is what I want, our family was better together." I told him that I thought so too but that we had to look forward at our new future. He then asked me if I would ever marry someone else. I told him not for a long time, and that was something we would talk about if the time ever came. I cannot rip all hope out of his hands, it is all he is holding onto right now.
My second, seems to be rolling with the punches. He is coming out of his shell a bit more but is now testing, regaining some control. His grandma had to go into the school the other day to get him because he refused to put on his jacket and leave the class with the rest of the kids. He was lying on the floor in the Kindergarten room and came out to her on his own terms. He said he was tired and needed a rest. We go on Wednesday to get the results of his assessment, I am petrified of what we will learn, even if it may not be surprising. I always thought I would have my rock beside me, a known comfort and soft place to fall. He will be there but he will not be any of those things. What we said in the very beginning, when our son first got sick, when things were rough, was that our son needed us together not apart. I am not sure why my ex thinks that changed. Our boy now has extra obstacles as we parent apart... not together. It pisses me off that he has even more to overcome now. How is that fair?
I struggle with the choices that were made, because they hurt me but mainly because of what has happened to our children. I am not sure how not wanting to fix a marriage supersedes the best interests of the children. I know in some instances being apart because a situation was so volatile is the best thing, but our home was not volatile, it was generally quite happy. When did my ex put his happiness before the security, well-being and happiness of our children? I just do not get it, I am not sure I ever will.
What a child doesn't receive he can seldom later give. ~P.D. James, Time to Be in Earnest
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