Life is not always fair. Sometimes you get a splinter even sliding down a rainbow. ~Terri Guillemets~
Life has a way of making a person learn and evaluate. I have mentioned many times before that the whole entire experience of the past five months has been a huge learning curve. I have discovered things that I never would have guessed. Sadly, I am now learning how incredibly broken I am thanks to my ex and also how determined I am to not let the damage that has been done affect my life any more than it already has.
In the last few days I have come to realize what incredibly big trust issues I now have and how petrified I am of being betrayed again. My instincts tell me to run as fast as I can from anything good in my life that may, and that is a big questionable may, hurt me in the end. I look for the bad, in situations where there is no bad, to give me an excuse to hightail it away from the joy that I am feeling because I find it hard to trust. I realize that I am going to have to be vulnerable in order to truly enjoy all that life has to offer. I have to open myself to the possibility of being hurt to the same extent that my ex hurt me and not be afraid.
I learned from my ex that I can't control how someone else behaves. There is no way to predict how life will turn out and that even something good can turn bad. So I am learning to give up control of what I have no control over. That sounds odd but it is true. I have an idea of what good is and what good looks like but, in fact, it seems sometimes that I am just trying to make each situation play out to my idea of happiness. I know what I want and I will not settle for ever being treated poorly again but there are certain issues that are just not worth being stressed over. Life should be enjoyed day to day!
I also have learned how well I work out of spite. I will be damned if the baggage that my ex has left me with will effect my happiness in life and in my future relationships. I will do everything in my power to not let him take anything else from me. I will not let his actions feed anything negative in my life and I intend to grow and learn from every lesson the pain has taught me. I am happier and stronger now and nothing from our failed marriage will ever change that!
A co-worker and dear friend told me today that I cannot take my old luggage on my new trip. I am ready to climb aboard this plane with new suitcases that I am going to fill with brilliant memories. This is a tough one - fear is hard to stare in the face - but I will look it in the eye and win. Life is too good to do anything else.
Hang in there, be strong and trust yourself. Over time you will grow stronger, just be true to yourself.
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