4 Days – 6/7/11

4 Days – 6/7/11

Character is doing the right thing when nobody's looking.  There are too many people who think that the only thing that's right is to get by, and the only thing that's wrong is to get caught.  ~J.C. Watts

OOOOh, I sense a blog coming on!!  Yup, I can tell, on certain days, that there is going to be a blog. My ex can sense it too as his brilliant main line of defense lately is "why don't you blog about it". I am finding my need to blog generally falls on the days that my ex and I have contact or on the days when I have had a nice break from him!!

Life around here is becoming a bit of a volatile shit show as our separated life remains somewhat unseparated by our current situation. Our once friendly conversations and interactions are becoming fewer as his sense of entitlement grows bigger. It is honestly time for this to be done. The count down is on - he will have only 4 more visits with the boys in my house until my time and my privacy is back to being just mine. Only 4 visits until I will have to have nothing to do with him other than polite conversations about the children and drop offs/pick ups. 4 visits and then the middle 2 of each of his 4 days off will be my time, where minimal contact is needed. 4 more visits until moving forward without being bungeed back by this toxic relationship is a reality.

He isn't crazy about my blog. He told me to stop writing about him. I told him to stop reading if he doen't like it. Apparently he thinks my right to write about my experiences is not allowed and it pisses me off that he thinks he can influence that. Actually he told me, up until recently, that it did not bother him at all as long as I did not write directly to him as I did in the letter I wrote so many months ago. I have respected his wish - again, something I was not obligated or even expected by anyone else to do. I do not write for him or his girlfriend, yet they are both faithful readers. I would make my blog private but it would defeat my intent to let so many other who are struggling out there to realize they are not alone. Those strangers are worth more than a few angry words that slide off of my back every time I blog about what frustrates me, makes me angry and what I am dealing with.

The ex accused me of wanting to control his life, something which has some truth to it when it comes to the well-being of my boys. The concern I express is about my kids, not about him. As I've said, it is hard for me to trust but I am learning to let things go.

 In my opinion though, the need to control is on his part and he would still like to run the ship here. He sees me slipping away as I no longer give into his demands and anger. I am not saying he wants me, quite the opposite actually, but he does not want to see me happy, self-confident and in charge. He does not want me to move on.

He has no idea what my life looks like and how full it is but I think he assumes many untruths. He has no idea how my life is going and that is okay. I am no longer any of his business in anything I do on a personal level. He is no longer any of my business either, other than when it pertains to the boys and I am SO okay with that!

So here we are in the count down to the final days of being separated but still unpleasantly attached. 4 visits until our relationship will be purely business and hopefully civil for the sake of the kids. I think trying to be friends is stopping us from removing the emotion from our current circumstances. In time, I have no doubt we will be friendly but we need to be way more apart then we have been in recent months. After 4 more days in my home, it will be onward and upward more so than it already is. Yet another chapter is almost written and I really think it is going to be a good one.