Here You Go – 30/5/11

While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about.
~Angela Schwindt

Today I got to meet the ex's new girlfriend. She and I, 1:1, no ex around. I was asked why I wanted to meet her so many times, what I was thinking, but everyone understood as soon as I told them. If she and my ex are going to be together, she is going to be a part of my boys' lives and I need her to know where I stand. This meeting was for me, so I could breath a little bit easier when my heart breaks as I watch them walk away with her and my ex; when I hand my little family to her and say please take care of them.

So my ex has decided that he and the new girlfriend are serious, serious enough to introduce her to my boys. The fact that he is in a serious relationship already seems a little ridiculous but it does not bother me. It makes me laugh a little, but does not bother me. That is his choice and not my business.

But the fact that she is now going to be a part of my boys lives is the most awful feeling in the world, not because I think she is a horrible monster and she will harm them (I actually think she will be okay with them), but because I think it is way too soon for their fragile little hearts that are still hurting. They are already so confused. I have almost single handedly raised my boys because my ex was rarely home due to his job and now they have a stranger in their lives, acting in a caregiver role.

I had a coffee with her today. I knew that no matter what I said, I would say something wrong, which I apparently did but that is not the point. I told her everything I needed her to know. I repeated it, I tried to drill it in. I said everything I needed to say so that I could, in good conscience allow them to be with her. So if I were to die tomorrow, at least I know that I've told her how to take care of my babies.

I have struggled to keep one of my babies alive. I have fought tooth and nail with the medical and educational systems to keep him healthy and successful and now I have to trust a very young and inexperienced girl with him. I have to trust her with all the little men that I love more than my own life even though our values differ greatly. 

I was friendly, I was not mean but I made it clear that she is getting access to my most treasured people and that if anything is ever done to harm them in any capacity, the woman who wrote the letter in last night's post would arrive but 1000X worse. I told her I want her to look deep at herself and what she wants in her life -  to be sure that these boys are a part of that because if she has any doubts at all, she needs to wait until she is sure. The boys are not a novelty. They are confused and have feelings which are already very fragile due to their father's actions.

So on Sunday, I will send my boys into the zoo to spend time with daddy and his girlfriend. I will cry as my heart breaks as they walk away from me and then I will go to the gym and sweat out every ounce of pain I have because I don't like having it in my body. I will pick up my boys a few short hours later and I will hold them so close and will not let them go until the next time she sees them. She told me a few times that she understood, but she is not a mother, she has no idea the pain that a mother feels, and she never will as long as she is with my ex. He is neutered and my kids will never be hers.

To be honest, in all the strength I have acquired this will come closest to breaking me. For the last few years with my ex, when I thought about leaving him, one of my main reason for not going was that if I did, another woman would have access to my kids. So, I will put on my bravest happy face when I tell my boys to have fun with daddy and his girlfriend but inside I will be filled with unmeasurable pain, just one more heartache thanks to my ex.