I am on a path to find myself. I disappeared sometime in November and I am not sure where I went. I have been under a great deal of stress and I think I may be hiding as a way of avoiding the things that I am giving power too. I need to face those things before I am lost for good. I am too valuable to disappear. I am scared and fear feeds nothing positive.
I know there are reasons people rely on things such as alcohol and drugs. It is to fill a void and to cope. I turn to food, food helps me hide. I busted my ass to lose 58 pounds and I have gained about 15 back since I lost myself. I have thought a lot about it and I think it comes down to being loved and protecting myself. I am beautiful when I am thin. It is not just a physical thing, I glow because I am happy and confident. I think I have started eating the wrong things in the wrong quantities to test the love of the man I have grown so attached to, or to make myself less desirable so it is easy to explain when he decides to no longer love me. I have hidden the real me behind layers of fat and disgust to protect myself from the pain of being hurt again. He loves me the way I am now and the way I was 15 pounds ago. The only thing that has changed is that I am now unhappy and disappointed as I have failed in something that is so very important to me. I am no longer glowing and my head is not held quite as high as it was before. I am disappearing inside myself and that is not fair to me, to my family and to the ones that I love and who love me. I am promising myself now that I am going to crawl out of this hiding space and rediscover the passion and drive that defines who I am, that makes me proud of who I am.
I love my daddy and have always been a daddys girl. My dad has changed. It started years ago when my boy had a seizure and forever changed all of our lives. It broke my dad, my strong, strong dad. And now he is sick. He is stressed and I worry about him. I know the doctors have the medical stuff under control but my dad shakes now. It hurts to see his hands shaking when he is still. He is the rock and my rock is becoming fragile. He tears up and is more emotionally expressive. I don't mind this but it is not who my dad is. My dad is getting older and I am watching the stress, of the last year in particular, take it's toll. I want to stop time and freeze him so he does not disappear any further. I know this is what happens when we grow older but it does not mean I have to like it. I have realized I am doing what I always do when I am scared. I am running. I do not talk to my dad as much, do not spend as much time with him as I used to. If I distance myself then maybe it will not hurt. Who am I kidding? I am missing out on valuable time, whether it is a few years or 20 more years. I dont want to waste a minute more hiding because I am afraid of tomorrow.
My job – it is wearing my down and I have hidden this behind much hate and anger. I love the women I work with. They have been crucial in my growth and discovery. I have learned so much from the families I work with but it is now demanding so much time. I have not tried to balance my time better, I mean really tried. I just slug through it and bitch about how unfair things are. Things have changed, I do not like change and I am going to need to move on but while I am here, I must embrace what I do and the people I am with. They are amazing and can feed so much energy and life into me. I do not want the negative energy, it is draining me. The real me is hiding behind the negativity, in protest maybe. I need to enjoy each day, roll with the punches and be thankful I have a good job and wonderful colleagues. I cannot be angry anymore. It is getting me nowhere except lost.
My man, the one I love with all my heart. He has rescued me without even knowing it. We met at a time when we were both struggling. We still are, but we are good for each other. I worry about him, I worry about his health and the things he does. I cannot control this but I can let him know how I feel. I cannot micromanage but it does not mean I have no idea what is going on when we are not together, I worry. He is a good man and he too is hiding. I am scared that he is going to stop loving me as that seems to be the pattern of men in my life. I put up walls and make myself unhappy and unlovable. I try to find things wrong with a man who gives me so much so I can run, just so I do not get hurt. He is not perfect and neither am I but I do love him for exactly who he is. I am scared that I will ruin things, I am scared that things will not change for him and our future will come to a grinding halt. I am scared that this man who I see in my future will not make it there because I am hiding, yet again, so I do not get hurt. I do not know how many times I have tried to run and how many times he has caught me. That is more than any girl could ever ask for, I hope he never stops chasing me. I need him to know that I am not running from him because the real me only wants to run to him and stay safe in his arms, a place I am always at peace. I love him and must let go of the pain and hurt my ex filled me with so I can spend my energy loving him as he deserves, instead of running from him. I need to focus on the things he does for me instead of living with my head in the romantic, fairy tail clouds I have found myself in. He cannot live up to the fairy tale but he does amazing when it comes to reality, my reality anyways....
My baby boy is disappearing, they all are but 1 in particular. My oldest has a sad far away look all the time, My third is angry and my youngest is happy because he knows no different. He does not remember the hurt. My second is disappearing inside himself. He struggles at a school where they have not taken the time to teach him the way he needs to be taught. Teachers are defensive and want him in a box. The more they push, the more he hides. He hides the pain in his heart. He told me the other day he hopes my new man does not stop loving me like his daddy did. He wasn't being hurtful, although it did sting. He was saying in his own words that he didn't want someone he cares about to go away again. I need to embrace those moments and listen with my heart to all of my boys. They are hurting like their mom and since I am hiding, I do not always address this. We have so much love as a family, I need to teach them that love is all we need, we have each other. I need to teach them the lessons I myself am trying to learn. I don't want my babies to disappear – they are much too brilliant.
I was going to write about the struggles I am having as the 1 year mark of kicking my ex out approaches. I know now after writing out my thoughts that what he did to me does not deserve to be spewed on the pages of my feelings. What he did now needs to be insignificant in my life. I am not fearful of him and I am not hiding from him. This is one battle I am proud to say I won with my head held high.
I guess it all comes down to fear. What is fear getting me? Nothing but a world of hurt. I am wasting valuable time and losing valuable people just so I can be safe. My word for the year was vulnerability. I have a really hard time with that but it has become more that hiding. I am lost. What good is life if all the things I love, I cannot enjoy because I have 10 foot walls all around me? It is time to tear them down, hunt myself down and fight for who I am and for those I love. I am far to valuable to disappear.
No comments:
Post a Comment