Where did the time go? - 21/10/2012

“How did it get so late so soon?”

Dr. Seuss

I stopped blogging a year ago despite it being incredibly therapeutic for me. I ran, out of fear, and my blog disappeared to ensure no ammo would fall into the hands of my ex when he threatened to take me to court for more time with my kiddos. I have learned that people can control you by using what is most important to you and it can destroy you if you let it.

So much has happened that I am not sure what to release first. Should I talk about the one-year anniversary of throwing my husband out and my realization of how broken I was, or should I talk about the short but expensive court battle that took me to rock bottom or should I talk about the man that has been through it all with me? At this time I seem to be unable to find happiness as I try to avoid everything that that has hurt me in the past.

The year anniversary of our break up was a hard one for me. I had made it through every other holiday and anniversary without batting an eyelash and when March 27 came along, I crumbled. I think it may have been the realization that all this is real, that there is no turning back. The intensity of the pain and betrayal was immense and I have struggled every day since. It’s not that I want my ex back, not that I love him but fuck, he took so much away from our family, from me. I miss the dreams that I know will never be full filled. It is hard to start over with the memory of what might have been and begin to dream again with hope and trust.

This time I get it though. I am not masking the hurt, saying "I don't care". I am facing it, grieving it and I think, moving on. My ex told me the date of his impending marriage the other day and I held it together on the phone with him but lost it afterward, not because I want to be with him but because he has a new life while I have to try and fix the shambles he left for the boys and me. I called my mom and sobbed.

The news was not a surprise, I knew it was coming but hearing it made it final. I know this is another step in moving forward but others think it means I am still attached. I have learned you cannot just turn off what was there for so long, it will always impact your life. I went into my basement the other day and the scene from when I found out about the first affair flashed through my head as though it was happening again. I sat in the basement and cried. I have avoided that basement for a year and a half because of my ex and now I am ready to make it my space. I faced the fear, the hurt, the anger and now I am moving on. That is one of the most important lessons - Don't mask the pain, face it. Trust me –  it will be easier in the end.

Next is the battle for my boys. My ex threatened last September to take me to court and I freaked out but nothing ever came of it. He did it again in March and I contacted a lawyer who told me to ride it out before retaining service and again, nothing happened. In June my ex served me with a court date to review custody and it brought my world crashing down. I can say that the court portion of this journey was very expensive but much shorter than most. We ended up in mediation and ultimately resolved things out of the courtroom.

However it took its toll on me and I am not sure I have fully recovered from the emotional, fear-based reaction I had to this situation. I learned to hold my head high and no longer let my ex intimidate me (which is progress) but 3 months of living on the edge of a major breakdown is a very dark place.

I lost myself in that dark place, gained 30 pounds and am still trying to find myself and ditch the weight. That dark place is very lonely and I still see myself peering over the edge sometimes. Happiness evades me on most days. Not that I am unhappy, I am just not happy. I sometimes feel as though I am merely existing and that is not good enough.

There is so much more to this story. I need to and will write out the whole ordeal one day. For now I am glad it is over and am still trying to come to terms with the fact that I will not see my boys at Christmas in 2013. I know it is a long time away but that thought hurts my heart.

I have been with the same man for almost 15 months now. He is a good man with a big heart but happiness is evading me here too. I am so confused. I don’t know what to expect, how to fix myself and what not to put up with. I feel as though I am sacrificing what I truly want and deserve but others tell me that maybe I am the problem, that I expect too much. Trust is something that is very difficult for me but I can say with all honesty, he has not helped this situation and although minor, I struggle to recover from those small indiscretions. I want a castle in the sky, I want to be a priority in someone's life and I feel as though I am not.  I always thought love was enough - it is not.

Here I am a year later, starting a new journey to discover who I am, where I am going and what I want. I am facing most things head on and working through them instead of pretending they do not exist. I am not sure what direction my journey is going to take as I see several paths I could follow. For now I am working on my emotional and physical self and from there maybe I will begin to figure out, just exactly who I am.