Sad Thoughts – 16/6/11

I have memories - but only a fool stores his past in the future.  ~David Gerrold

Sad thoughts come from  good memories. When something bad happens, a marital break up for example, often the betrayed party looks beyond the hurt and sadness and dwells on positive memories. This is why, so often, betrayed victims will take back the one that broke their heart. I think I was remembering the good yesterday and that is why this whole divorce thing hurt so bad.

It only takes a moment of disrespect or immaturity to snap me back to reality, something to focus on and allow me to do things that would not happen if I was still with the ex. I was sad yesterday. I remembered the good times and failed to look at the infidelities that caused my heartache. I was so sad that part of my life was coming to an end when really, I should have been celebrating but that will happen as soon as I get the word that this divorce is final!

My ex and I had many good times and those memories will always have a special place in my heart but that is all they are, memories. They are not reality. Reality is that I am alone with my boys and I am ready to fight for a new and happier life for all of us. I am forced to fight this battle because of my ex. I am strong, confident and excited for life to unfold but all the unknowns in my life are because of him. I was in a highly dysfunctional marriage with a man that considered me an option when he was my priority. Nobody was happy. It is easy to forget that when looking back fondly on the good times. It is much more difficult to look hard at the tough stuff, the things that were not working.

So yesterday and the few days preceding it were my angry, remembering the good times days. I needed to have a bit of a pity party to release all the tension and anxiety that this situation and my ex bring to my life. Today I am back to remembering the pain and hurt I felt all at the hands of my ex. I would have made excuses for that pain yesterday and today those things just make me shake my head and sometimes laugh a little bit. I feel free again today. I need to cry sometimes to find my footing when I lose it!

And now I am looking forward to enjoying my first weekend away in more than 12 years. I will be spending it with a friend. How scary and exciting is that all at once?!? I am so ready to enjoy this opportunity later this month and see what life has to offer me! When I am finally there, the divorce and my ex will be the furthest things from my mind!!