At War 5/5/11

"He who smiles rather than rages is always the stronger."
Japanese wisdom

I have a war being waged in my head. It is one between what I want and what I need, doing the right thing and doing what is best for my boys. It seems that this conflict takes me one step back for every two forward that I take. I guess the positive thing is that I am still moving forward but man, this is really hard.

The war being waged is over friendship. Friendship is not supposed to hurt, is it? What I want is for my ex and I to have a practical, working relationship, not forced, not fake but genuine. I don't think we will ever be best friends, not even sure about good friends but we need to have a relationship that will protect and keep the best interests of the children front and center. What I want is a friendship that can make me feel at peace and happy - that is after all what friendship is, isn't it?

What I need is to break free from all the emotional baggage that I have. I am not able to do this because being friends with my ex hurts my heart. It makes me grieve what has been destroyed! It takes me to a place that, quite frankly, I do not want to be.

It is also very hard for me because in a true friendship, both parties benefit but I am not sure what I am getting, other than a hell of a lot of hurt. He gets his cake and eats it to. He has a new life that he perceives as fantastic. He has a fraction of the responsibility that I have yet, he is super dad and he still has the warm comfort of home. The kind shoulder... mine... as I have a hard time tuning my back on anyone. Meanwhile, I am trying to hold my head high, not let him see how much what he has done hurts me, while holding back more anger and rage than any human should have to.

I feel I am doing the right thing. I could be nasty, I could be vindictive and fight tooth and nail, trying to make him feel pain for what he has done. But I am not, I really do not see how that would get me anywhere. Sometimes I think getting it all out, yelling, screaming at him would make me feel better. You know, it would but after the fact, where would I be? ...in an angry relationship, because no matter what, we will always have a relationship because of the boys, it might as well be a positive one, right?

I know this is what is best for my kids and putting them first and foremost is something I will always do. They deserve to not sense tension at every interaction we have. They deserve to feel comfortable in the presence of both of their parents. They deserve so much more than they have been handed in the last month and a half.

So here I am, battling in my head. Knowing that there is this friendship that is draining me, that I am not deriving anything from it because he is no longer someone I would trust with my emotions, good or bad. He is no longer the shoulder I once leaned on, the person I entrusted with my life. He is the one who hurt me, the one who betrayed me, the one who replaced me, three times, without batting an eyelash. I know that in the long run it will be positive, for the children, if I can do it. I just don't know how I am going to get there. We have a connection, obviously through our children. I think I hold onto that because it is something I know, and I have already been forced to take on so much unknown.

I don't know how this battle will end. I hold the answers and it all depends on which direction I choose. I know what  I need to do, I know what I want to do, I know what the easiest route is. I just don't know which side in this battle I want to win. I guess there are no winners in war, just survivors... maybe that is my answer.