“" Life can be like a roller coaster...
And just when you think you've had enough,
and your ready to get off the ride and take the calm, easy merry-go round...
You change your mind, throw you hands in the air
and ride the roller coaster all over again.
That's exhilaration...that's living a bit on the edge...that's being ALIVE."
Stacey Charter
That damn emotional roller coaster! It can take you on all sorts of fun rides. My roller coaster has taken me on quite a ride in the last few days. It is a different kind of ride now and the emotions are less frequent but they are clear, very raw and very real! It is hard to line them all up and sort them out but I am learning to take each moment as it comes.
The ex actually did something nice for me the other day. I asked him to stay late so I could go to a wedding and he did. It was nice, we got along and I was able to spend some time with good friends. I was thankful and excited that maybe we can move forward and have a peaceful, friendly relationship. I know that his girlfriend was out of town and that is why he was willing to stay but it was still nice, given that I really needed a night out. A couple of months ago I would have read too much into this little act of generosity but when he said yes, he would stay, I didn't think anything more than Yay! I get to have a night out! It had nothing to do with him. I finally feel indifferent.
Yesterday I got some unpleasant news. My first instinct was to call my ex to tell him. I even sent him a text letting him know I needed to talk to him when he called the boys to say goodnight. That was a knee jerk reaction. After a few moments, I was seething mad. I had held his hand through the deaths of his mother and sister, through hard times with his family, through rejections from the police and where was he when I needed someone? Playing house with the new girlfriend and her family, the easy replacements for the life he left! I was MAD! When I talked to him later that night, I told him it was no biggie, it was not his worry, sorry to have bothered him. He does not care, I should not pretend he does.
There were moments that made me cry this past weekend. They were closing chapters and the tears were saying good bye to the last of my old life. The tears were also a bit of fear for the new unknown. Sunday was his last visit with the boys in my home and I cried when he left. It was finally over. Months of torment, months of being connected, months of my space being violated, were done. I think the tears were tears of relief. But I also cried when I went into my empty basement. Just another reminder of where I had come from, where I am going and that it is scary and exciting all at once. It is over and done. We now have 2 separate lives bound only by our boys. Things will be much better now. There may be a hope of being friendly and genuine about it.
I will finish with the best part of the roller coaster ride, the part that is the longest and most fulfilling. I am happy. I have amazing family and friends, I have reconnected with an old friend and that has been a very positive, fun experience. I have a job I love and I have beautiful children. No matter what I have felt the last few days, 1 text message from an old friend, 1 hug from a child, 1 supportive smile from a co-worker can turn that all around. Life is incredibly good. Life is better than I could have ever dreamed 4 months ago.
This emotional roller has big dips and sometimes it is incredibly hard to see the light when I am at the bottom of these dips. I have to remember the sunshine at these times. The view from the top is amazing and I spend so much time up there, I would never give up the view for anything. Everything is happening as it should, it is what it is and I will embrace the bad with the good. Life is brilliant!!!
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