Hopes, Dreams, Promises – 10/5/11

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us"
~ Joseph Campbell

I am not angry over the fact that my marriage is over. I am angry at the broken promises. I have notes from my ex, promising me the moon and they are all useless lies. Promising me forever, honesty, love... all lies. I do not need smoke blown up my ass, I do not need to mourn promises that were in fact, self gratifying acts of betrayal meant to humor me so my ex could carry on with his nasty little secrets.

I have a typical A-type personality. I like to plan, I like to figure things out in my head. I had a whole future planned out, full of hopes and dreams. I had no choice in letting these things go as all control was ripped from my hands and that is a very difficult pill for me to swallow. 12.5 years of dreaming, eliminated in one afternoon. I guess it was eliminated in 6 months of bold faced lies but to me, it was that one pivotal moment when his interpretation of the truth came out of his mouth and I threw him out. For someone who is a planner, the broken promises really piss me off!

It drives me nuts that I have to revamp my entire future and that I have no idea what it will look like. I do not have to plan everything but I like knowing, it makes me feel safe. I know that things are going to be brilliant and that I am going to continue to be happy but the hows and the whens are unknown to me and I do not know how to handle that. I know one of the first steps is letting go of the anger related to the loss of the  dreams, hopes and promises that my old life held. After that I will be better able to focus on what is to come, even if I cannot plan it! I have come to realize that there are no guarantees and I will learn to live the best life I can and roll with the punches. Actually, I have been extremely happy doing that lately.

Just another life lesson that I am getting. I know that anger eats a person from the inside out and while I do not spend my time in a place of anger, it is very real when I realize what has been dashed because of my ex's thoughtless, sexual and emotional exploits. I need to let go of that anger, not for him but for me. He is not worth it, not even for the brief moments it is there. I have to much to look forward to and be happy about!