Poisonous Thoughts - 30/7/11

Poisonous Thoughts  - 30/7/11

Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.  

~Malachy McCourt

I write best when I am emotional, whether the emotions are positive or negative. It helps me sort out my thoughts in a deeper, more organized manner, although when really distraught, I tend to ramble. Today is not a good day. I am angry.

My day started at 6:02 to a child trying to pull the keys off of my computer which quickly turned into 3 of my children fist fighting by 6:15. This is not unusual. It is actually the time and manner in which I have been woken up everyday for the last 4 months. (minus 3 days when my parents had my boys.). I am tired. I am so mad at my ex for being a selfish bastard. Yup, I said it and he is gonna be mad but in all honesty, what kind of person thinks it is okay to do what he did? He and his current girlfriend will be in a flap over my angry words but it is time they pulled their collective head out of their collective ass and genuinely look at the mess this man has created for his children (and myself) while his phoney little life continues happily on. It is fucking sick. 

I so badly want to enjoy the long weekend with my boys but money is tight so that limits the things we can do. We do not have the luxury that my ex has to go gallivanting for 2 weeks to the beach. It is difficult for me to take the boys out by myself because it is a safety issue, especially if the activity involves water. I spend most weekends at home with my boys overwhelmed by life in general. It is not easy to be a single working mom of 4 but I am doing my best to create activities that make good memories but I do not have the option of being the "fun" mom. Unlike my ex, I am the real thing.  

The boys are missing out on so much and I try my hardest but it is not easy. I am angry that the ex has the audacity  to miss his 4 year old son's birthday to be with a girlfriend and he is going to be missing his 8 year olds birthday to be in Mexico with her yet he says he is not  at all like his father was. Bullshit. He claimed his father choose a new life that left no time, concern, or love for him and his brother. He needs to open his eyes and see that he is choosing his girlfriend, their new life and all the superficial excitement it brings over some very important moments in his children's lives. He gets vacation time each year, but this year, not one day of that vacation time will be spent with his children. It no longer matters if he's mad at me - he needs to open his goddamn eyes and realize what he is giving up and I, in no way, mean that in anything to do with myself and our dead marriage. He was never honest with me but I hope he can be honest with himself and fix the relationships that are destined to turn out as he had always vowed they would not. He is creating the life he lived and hated, for his children. His life is a  runaway train, a path that the man I vaguely remember said would not happen, a life that he vowed he would never repeat. 

I was searching through my emails this morning to find some information and came across a conversation I had back in October with a good friend. It had to do with the ex's current girlfriend. This was before the so-called "first" infidelity. I told my friend that this woman was crossing some serious lines, that my ex was incredibly protective of her and that I could see her ruining my marriage. I told my friend I was glad we were in counselling because maybe my ex could work out why he needed this woman to confide in to when I was always there for him. I guess I was right about this one. Hindsight sure is 20:20.

So that in a nutshell, is the anger I am feeling. I am crying as I write this, trying to figure out what to do with my boys so they have some good times with their mom. I will figure it out and I will not let the circumstances of the last few months impact the memories I create with my boys. Life has given us a sack of hammers, I guess we better start lugging them up the mountain together.

I have released my anger, I cannot hold onto it, it will not help anyone. I am going to gather my boys and we are going to have a fun day, sticking together because that is what families do. As I wrote that last line, my 2nd son drew me a happy face, told me it was to make me feel better - you know what, it did.