So Tired – 9/6/11

I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches.
If suffering alone taught, all the world
would be wise, since everyone suffers.
To suffering must be added mourning,
understanding, patience, love, openness,
and a willingness to remain vulnerable.
~Anne Morrow Lindbergh 

Yup, I think the last few months have caught up to me. Today the smile didn't magically appear on my face and I actually cried when I found out my ex was being served next Thursday with the divorce papers.  I am tired and burnt right out. I am finding it hard to be positive today. Although I know that everything will be okay, today I am dumpy and I don't want to acknowledge that.

I did not cry because I want my ex back or because I am sad that we are getting divorced, I cried because I am overwhelmed. Things are happening so fast. I cried because no matter how many positives I see, I am still dumbfounded that in a matter of months my entire family has been ripped apart. I used to look at people who were married for 10+ years and wonder how they could ever end up where I am now and now I know and it sucks.

 So much has been thrown away and it makes no sense. I know how much better off I am - no one could be expected to accept the pain and betrayal inflicted on me-  but my little family as a whole has been so badly hurt. I never would have accepted all these positives for me and sacrificed them in this way if I could have prevented their hurt.

It has been 10.5 weeks since I have slept in a bed that did not have 2 or more children in it. It has been 10.5 weeks since I had a full nights sleep because of nightmares, puking or other midnight crisis that arise. It has been 10.5 weeks of burning the candle at both ends ensuring that my boys come out of this stronger than they were when their world was turned upside down. It has been 10.5 weeks of being a rock, a soft place, happy, energetic and a motivator. It has been 10.5 weeks of trying to make sense of the life I have been given and making the best of it despite hurting like hell on the inside.

I am tired, physically and emotionally. I cried tonight when I put my boys to bed - their rooms are a mess, the dishes are not done yet, my house looks like a small bomb went off in it and the boys' behaviour, understandably so, has been through the roof, for 10.5 weeks. I hugged them and told them I loved them but I sobbed. Raising 4 little boys, under the age of 8 is not an easy task especially when working full time, baking treats for school, attending field trips and trying to improve yourself.... I am tired and cannot seem to get ahead of the mess that was left in this house when the ex left. I hate messy houses and now mine is one of them.

I know that a good boxing session, gym session or run will turn this overwhelmed feeling around but it is too bad those things could not reverse the sunburn I got on the kindergarten field tip today. I know that tomorrow the smile will be back on and the positive outlook will be first and foremost as it is so important for both me and my boys to move onward and upward. I enjoy each and every one of my good days. They used to be a novelty now they are routine and it is a routine that I love. 

This situation is not all sunshine and lollipops. I am a strong woman but I am tired. I like to write about successes to show that it is possible but I am not a robot - I have bad days too. I need to relax and have a moment without work related obligations or kids crying.

In 1 week I will be by the ocean. It is only for 2 days, but I will soak every moment of "me time" out of it because in order to keep going at the pace I am, I need to refresh. I am already feeling better writing all of this down.  Writing is cathartic for me. I will now picture the ocean, the tranquility that comes with it and that will get me through the next week until I am there enjoying the company of a good friend in my happy place.

Find a place (inside) where there's joy,
and the joy will burn out the pain.
~Joseph Campbel