Reality – 13/6/11

Relationships are like glass.  Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.  ~Author Unknown

Holy crap, reality has hit me like a ton of bricks today. My ex arrived this morning and I was off to sign the final papers that will be filed for our divorce. I said to my ex, "In an hour, I will, for all intents and purposes, be divorced".  I then had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom and cry.  This is really happening - the last 12.5 years of my life are over and it hurts my heart.

I am chalking some of the emotion up to hormones because right now, that is where I am, but today if someone asked me how my day was going, I would well up, trying incredibly hard not to cry. I was prepared for this day but the finality of it is so overwhelming. It would be easier to say goodbye if my ex was a horrible, awful man instead of a broken soul. I think the most important point is this: I know we are doing the right thing, I know I am better off without him. However that does not erase 12.5 years together. It is hard to forget the hopes and dreams that we shared.

The lawyer I met with today told me that divorces are usually finalized within approximately 3 months but with summer coming up it could be longer or could be very short if our file ends up on the desk of a judge who wants to close all his files before his summer vacation. If the divorce was finalized in a few weeks (which is unlikely) would I rejoice, would I cry... maybe both?

This is the final step! I have been looking through that door to my future, dipping my toes in the promise of good things to come, but a piece of me has been in the past because it had to be. Now, it is done. Our marriage is almost over, and soon will be just a memory. The door is closing. It is exciting and overwhelming all at once. I want to cheer and I want to sob all at the same time.

It is made harder because my ex seems to be completely unaffected by his loss of his marriage and our family. I thought he might mourn the loss of the woman that stood by him through the deaths of his mother and sister, the birth of his 4 children, and his struggle to get the job of his dreams but he does not. To him, I am of no significance in the life he is leading now. Although I know I am above and beyond the way he treats me, it is still hard to accept it when somebody disposes of you like yesterdays garbage.

Many times I have blogged and welcomed my new life. I think each time is a progression, some growth, a step in the right direction. This is the final farewell though. Now it is time to embrace the gift of a new beginning. So many people let this gift slip past them but I am not going to be one of them. I have been given a second chance at life and I will be damned if I will let it go to waste.

Sadness flies on the wings of the morning and out of the heart of darkness comes the light.  ~Jean Giraudoux