Goodbye – 25/4/11

You've got to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you've got, and remember what you had. Always forgive, but never forget. Learn from mistakes, but never regret.

- Unknown

Up and down, crazy all around.... I think I have learned my lesson and am finally going to move forward. Actually, I have let go, and it hurts almost as much as it feels good. Time for a deep breath and a gigantic step into the unknown.

Numerous times, I have grabbed onto his ankle and he has shaken me off. Like a fool, I kept trying, hoping for different results but I now realize, this is just the way it is. We chatted today and it was a great chat but he laid it out plain and clear when I told him to be upfront and honest. He does not want to be with me. As painful as that is, I have accepted it. We have had this conversation before, with the same results, but the difference this time is that I know that he is not going to change his mind. I know that I can psychoanalyze him but that he is not going to change unless he sees that there is a problem. He is happy with his choice, he sees no problem. As much as I may not like it, I have to accept it and am ready to do so.

I wrote him a letter and posted it as a blog. He was the only one who had time to read it. I did it as a means of letting go, cutting that last string. What happened is he found what I said as an attack, as hurtful. I took it down immediately as this was not my intention. I apologized. He was very angry with me and I know there are many people out there that would say "who cares". I do.... I have been hurt in so many ways but it has always been my intention to take the high road and not be callous and mean. I do not want revenge.

I do not regret the last 12.5 years, I can even say they are worth all this heartache as I have 4 of the most brilliant children ever in my life. Had I not met him, I would not have my gorgeous babies. I have 12.5 years, give or take, of memories. Of course there are some not so good memories but those I am leaving behind, no point in taking them with me. As Dr. Seuss said, "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

Here I sit, feeling really kind of empty. It is a different kind of empty though. It is no longer a missing part of me empty, it is a letting go, all gone, that's all folks kind of empty. It actually is a space to be filled rather than a space reserved for someone. So it is with lots of tears, both sad and happy, that I say good bye. I chapter is done, a new one is about to be written.