Deserving – 28/4/11

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.
Oscar Wilde

Life keeps going and I at times have had a hard time keeping up, afraid to look forward, doubting that I am worth being loved. I think it is perfectly normal to feel this way but I am learning that there are people out there who think I am beautiful and smart... and it is not just my mom and dad!

I always told my husband that I wanted what Dr. Phil says about husbands and wives. That is, when a wife looks across the room at her husband, she will know that she is the most loved, well treated and important woman in the room. I yearned for that for years and that is not something I have felt since quite possibly our wedding day. I told my ex that this is what I needed and wanted but it never happened.

This may set up any new men in my life for some pretty high standards. I am slowly learning that I deserve to be loved, the way I want to be loved. For years I have not felt loved. That is not to say my ex did not love me and that we did not have loving moments that were special. I mean, just in day to day life, I knew when he looked across the room at me, I was not the most important thing on his mind. However, believing in the promise we made to each other, I would have walked on hot coals for him, because that is what love is. I am now learning that I deserve more than to settle for mediocre.

My ex told me today that this was my choice, I threw him out. I was a bit taken back by this comment. I asked him, "What choice did I have, do I only deserve a man that cheats on me?" You know, the saddest part of this conversation was that he looked at me and did not say anything. The man I NEVER would have turned my back on does not think I deserve to be loved fully. That stung deeper than anything else that has happened so far. He then began to attack my role as his wife, telling me to stop telling him what to do because I did that for our whole marriage.  Granted he was angry because I told him he needed to stay late on his next visit so I could go to a movie.. on a date... He answered with "What if I have plans?" I went into a fit of anger about how easy his life is compared to mine....

You know, it was not my choice, because he gave me no other option because of his actions. I do know that I deserve to be loved, fully and honestly. Yeah, I am bossy, a bit hot headed and sometimes a royal pain in the ass but I am loyal, loving, passionate and caring. I think Marilyn Munroe said it best... "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Yup, I want somebody who loves me at my worst and one day, I will find that person and he will get my very best.