Accountability – 6/5/11

The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own.  You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president.  You realize that you control your own destiny.  ~Albert Ellis

I am feeling rather frustrated, actually pissed right off. I teach my children accountability for their actions because it will contribute to them being honest, good men. I am learning that my theory is right as accountability is not a characteristic my ex possesses.

As he was leaving today, I mentioned that if he called tomorrow and we were out, to call my cell. No biggie until he asked where I was going to be. Now, I know that it's not any of his business but I didn't have to say anything. He quickly said,  "oh right, we are not going to talk about that." The kids had already told him where we are going and while it is really no big deal, apparently one of my friendships has ruined one of his. There is no way that it could be a result of his own actions - it's far easier to try and lay it on someone else.

I became close friends with the wife of one of my ex's best buddies after the first affair. She has been a solid support through everything, knowing first hand what I have been through. She has made me laugh, she has given my head a shake and she has listened to me cry and I am very, very thankful for her friendship. We do not discuss the relationship between our husbands because frankly, it is none of my business.

The boys and I are going to her house for a BBQ tomorrow - a nice chance to get out, give the boys some fresh air and room to run. It has nothing to do with my ex at all but he is livid as he believes that it is this friendship that has ruined his friendship with his buddy. I am insulted, flabbergasted... yes, I said flabbergasted, that he has the nerve to blame me instead of looking at his own actions.

I cannot speak for my ex's buddy, as I have said, my friend and I don't discuss them or their friendship. But from my own observations I can come to a few conclusions however. My ex did not call his buddy for close to 4 weeks after I asked him to leave our home. I encouraged him to call as his buddy had reached out to him... all by my ex's own admission. I would be a little hostile if I reached out to a friend and he ignored me and only responded weeks later, after the fact. I may think differently because I am a woman so this may be completely off, but I do not think friendships are supposed to be one-sided.

I do however know that in my ex husbands profession there are many who share his lack of morals but it is also filled with many honest, accountable, faithful men and women. He may feel macho with some of these men but often, the men who do what he has done are the laughing stalk of many of their colleagues. People just shake their heads and feel quite disgusted at the actions of their peers. The behaviour is not seen as a good or cool thing. So knowing this, I can hypothesize that his buddy, who is a good man, may just be disgusted with his actions.

My ex needs to be accountable for what he has done and see that his behaviour is disgusting, hateful, dishonest and not seen as  desirable or admiralable. He should understand that his actions did not only impact me, my children and my family but also those who knew him on a personal level. Those who used to respect him quite possibly no longer do and that is 100% because of his actions, not because of who I am friends with.

I take great offense to him having the nerve to blame me for the consequences of his actions. I did not make his bed, he did and now he can lie in it. And he should be thankful that I have good friends and a strong support system because I can no longer depend on him. I will not take any responsibility for his poor choices.

When others, a man begins to blame
He'll soon find himself alone,
The same.
~Nigel Bloomfied