Pearl Jam – 22/5/11

I don't want to take what you can give...
I would rather starve than eat your bread...
I would rather run but I can't walk...
Guess I'll lie alone just like before...
~Pearl Jam 

I am trying to move to a new place, one that removes the anger and hate of betrayal. I have done quite well spending most of my days laughing with my boys, working out, enjoying my friends and pacing the floor as I wait for all the exciting things I have planned. Occasionally, as I have mentioned before, something throws me off. I really want the power to disrupt my life to be taken from my ex. I no longer want him to have any ability to get under my skin and I know that I control that.

Last week, I received a text from my ex, asking me if I had heard that Pearl Jam, my all time favourite band, was coming. My initial reaction of excitement was quickly met with hurt and anger. Who was I going to go with, how was I going to go see the band that I have wanted to see since I was 14 years old? The last 2 times they were here, I was pregnant.... I was so upset, my initial reaction was -  without my ex, how could I ever get there? That panic stopped me from thinking rationally.

He then offerd to buy me 2 tickets and informed me that I could join him and his new girlfriend. We could go on a double date. How high school is that? Does he think we were just going steady for 12.5 years? He tells me it is a long way off, 4 months, things could be way different. He just does not get it, I do not want to double date with the new girlfriend. I am not her friend nor will I ever be. (I will meet her but only because she will be spending time with my boys and because she needs to know that there are rules that go with that responsibility). He then tells me that he promised me that he would get me to Peal Jam and he fully intends to. I pointed out that this was the least of my worries when it comes to promises that have been broken. It was just another in a long line of promises that he had made and subsequently broke when he decided his family was not worth the fight.

I stopped replying to my ex's texts. I was so upset. How could this be yet another thing that I have lost. How could he be taking his girlfriend of a few months when I was not worth the effort for 12.5 years? Yes, he had been promising for 12.5 years to get me to Pearl Jam. This might seem silly to some, but I think everyone has a special musical group they adore and follow.

After I gave my head a good shake, I calmed down and realized that it would all work out. I realized that I had already gained so much that this too would be okay. I had a great talk with my girlfriend who, in the course of our conversation, informed me that she would love to go.... and then another girlfriend informed me that she would also love to go. So now it is going to be an incredibly fun girls night. Another great lesson, I have forgotten what it is like to be a free spirit. I had forgotten in all my years of marriage that I could have a life apart from my husband. I had, in that moment, forgotten that I do not need my ex... thankfully that moment was short lived.

I let my ex know the next day that I would not need him to get me tickets. I told him that was no longer his job. He seemed a bit upset about this but oh well. My forgiveness cannot be bought. I am hopeful that we will get tickets when they go on sale next week. My ex, of course, needed to point out the fact that I may not get them and then he told me that he was going to ask his brother, who apparently has connections, to get him tickets. I snapped at him because that was rubbing salt right into the wound... yet again. My ex has always liked Pearl Jam, but he could take them or leave them, never a true fan. His girlfriend was in grade 1 or 2 when the album Ten came out.. I am sure they would both be devastated if they could not go. (please note the dripping sarcasm)

So here I am, hurt, angry and bitter... although I am sure I will be much happier when we have 3 tickets to see my beloved Eddie Vedder. I cannot explain why I am angry because I know I will have more fun with my girls than I would have had with him anyway. I think it is the fact that he has something to use, something precious to me to hurt me with yet again.

 I am letting go of those things one by one but dammit, this one got me good. I do not want any favors. I am sure in September, when I am finally there, somewhere where I have always wanted to be, it will be just another firm reminder of how free and happy I really am.