The Ocean – 19/6/11

For whatever we lose (like a you or a me),
It's always our self we find in the sea.
~e.e. cummings

I am home from my brief trip to the ocean. I am glad to be home but in all honesty I feel like I left something behind - something that made me feel incredibly happy the moment I stepped of the plane. I need to be by the ocean, it brings me a peace. I have always said the ocean is my happy place and  if my boys and family were there, life would be perfect. Since I cannot move there, I will keep the smells, sight and sounds of the ocean in my mind until I travel back.

My trip was one of reflection. Lots to heart to heart talks with a friend, lots of laughs and plenty of time to look at where I have come from and how far I still need to go. This trip helped realize that I have control of my own life but that I cannot control the outcome of certain events if other people are involved. Trying to do that would take away their right to make their own decisions.

I realized that I am still trying to control my destiny because I long for something safe, something that will never hurt me. I also realized that I still have a lot of hurt and anger that I need to work through but that I am genuine when I express, from day to day, how I feel.

I realized that I have not changed myself to be what I think other people want me to be like. I have become someone who I like and who I am proud of. I have not lost my ability to feel empathy or to care for another and I do not compete with others, I am happy being me.

I realized how well I am doing and how proud I am of the way I have handled things. I also realize that there is no need to deny the hurt, love and anger I still feel for my ex. All those things are very real - they make me human. Admitting them, facing them and accepting them is part of my journey. I also realized that I am lonely and need to find the inner peace I have when I am  by the ocean. Funny how the ocean can fill the spot that someone ripped out.

I learned that people change, that life makes us different as we try and navigate our way through the world. I learned that no matter your lot in life, most humans are fundamentally looking to connect with others. Some may see it as a game, others as a desire, some see it as a challenge but we all have a need to connect with others, whether it is long term, short term, friends or lovers.

We take life way to seriously - people need to have more fun! I had a great time on Friday night, more fun than I've had in years. I laughed, I danced, I played, I let my guard down and realized that it is okay to do that sometimes. I learned that letting go, if only for a while, can make you forget about that person that has been a part of your life for 12.5 years. You can actually make it through an evening of fun  or a morning run by the ocean and at the end think, wow he didn't cross my mind once.

I learned a few other things of little relevance to day to day life such as running along the shore is way better that running by dusty farm fields or through residential areas, and that I can still drink like I was 20 but have no desire to do so on a regular basis. I learned there are a ton of cool, eclectic places to eat in Victoria and that I need to run for the next 5 days straight to work off the amazing food I ate. I learned that life is way more laid back by the ocean and that I need adopt that more laid back mentality while living my life here.

Here I am, back home with my trip behind me. It went so fast but I am so glad I went. It gave me time to reevaluate and reenergize so I can continue to move forward. I took home an inner strength as I realized that I am doing well but more importantly, that I am doing it while being true to myself. I will not hide my feelings, I will stop shoving them down really deep if I think they will hurt me or make me vulnerable. I will acknowledge them and dispose of them or file them as needed. Life is brilliant and I am going to live it to the best of my ability.

"The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea."  ~Isak Dinesen