Yes, Really, I Am Okay – 3/6/11

Have no fear
For when I'm alone
I'll be better off than I was before

I've got this light
I'll be around to grow
Who I was before
I cannot recall

~Eddie Vedder, Long nights~

I am okay. Honest. It is not an act, I really am handling things well. I don't know why this is so hard to believe -  maybe it is because those who love me worry -  but I wish they would trust that I know how I feel. I am truly happier alone than I was with my ex and I am truly happy and content right where I am in my life.

Society has a stereotype of how the jilted, betrayed, hurt ex wife should act and feel. I should be sad; I should be angry; I should be ready to tear out my ex's heart. I felt that way at first but I don't believe that this is something I have to feel forever. Certainly, if I do not feel these things for the first few months, I must be faking, right?

My highs outnumber my lows but I still have them. I have moments where my heart hurts (like sending my kids to the zoo on Sunday) but the truth is very clear - I am happier than I have been in years. I am not sad. People tell me to take things slow  when I dare to dream.  I am asked, Are you sure? when I say I am doing well. I get that knowing look as if to say, wow, you sure are a good actress. I don't fit society's stereotype of how I should feel and it irks me that nobody believes that my feelings are as honest and genuine as they get.

The woman that was here for years is gone. She was just a shell for the real me to hide inside as I navigated my way through some heart-wrenching and difficult life circumstances. I put myself last for years as I fought for my child and as I fought to save my failing marriage. I was not emotionally ready to handle everything that had gone on all at once and the priority was the here and now, getting what needed to be done, done. While there are still people and things that I need to fight tooth and nail for, I can do it without letting it consume me. I do not need to dwell on the negative. My mindset has shifted to one of hope from one of despair.

I have found my own happiness which is crucial because nobody else could have given that to me. I am truly happy, I am truly ready to move on in my life and maybe someday, find someone special to spend it with. No more knowing looks, because the woman I am now is the real me, the woman I was is gone.