“If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?”
Chuck Palahniuk
I was not prepared for the fact that this journey to self discovery can lead to even more questions and an identity crisis. The big question of Who am I? suddenly becomes Who am I? What do I want? Who will this impact? Where am I going? Who do I want to be? Can I handle this? And how do I keep from getting hurt? All of a sudden, my clear thinking is not so clear and I feel like I am floundering around in the dark.
I never really enjoyed the single world. I met and fell in love with my ex at the age of 19. Barely out of high school, I never had an opportunity or desire to tackle the whole dating world, which I might add, has changed drastically since then. I never thought I would have to face this world. It scared me, and now that I am stepping into this world, I am petrified. It is making me look deeper at who I have become, who I am, and who I want to be.
I am no longer a carefree 19 year old, who can fly by the seat of her pants, have fun, and be selfish and self-absorbed. I am learning how to fly again, and as I discover who I am, I realize a very big part of that is being a mother. I think things over more intensely, I think about how it will impact my kids. I want to insure that I am safe and always home at the end of each day for them. I intend on keeping my single life separate from my mom life but the truth is, my mom life impacts the way I conduct myself. I am more weary, more cautious and more fearful of being hurt both physically and emotionally. My kids need me at my best.
A big part of me wants to throw caution to the wind and step into the unknown without batting an eyelash. A good friend always tells me "no risk, no reward". A huge part of me wants to follow her advice. I want to be able to have fun without second guessing or over-analyzing. I want to be fulfilled in so many ways and know that instant gratification is not the way to get there but the free spirit in me wants to throw caution to the wind and go for it. Unfortunately for my free spirit, I have been blessed with common sense that I try hard to balance.
I don't know who I am yet. I know what makes up a big part of me and I cherish those boys with every bit of my heart and soul. I also know that I am no longer a married mom, I am a single mom. I am young, vibrant and ready to enjoy life. I have morals and beliefs and a great fear of being hurt again. I am vulnerable even though I try my hardest to tell myself that I am not. I vowed that I would not let anyone ever hurt me again but it has already happened. I am angry at myself for that. I am learning how to keep people out but am afraid if I figure it out, I will never let anyone in again. I am confused, a little bit lost and so afraid. Who am I? Will I ever figure that out? And how much hurt is it going to take to get me there?
“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.”
Chuck Palahniuk
No comments:
Post a Comment