I found her....

If you don't get lost, there's a chance you may never be found. 

~Author Unknown

Nothing could have prepared me for the discovery I made while on my trip to the ocean this past weekend. Nothing could have even hinted at the overwhelming amount of emotion I would leave with. I had no idea I was so lost.

 

As I touched down and took my first breaths of the incredible ocean air, I realized I was home. I was raised on the prairies, visited the ocean a handful of times as a child, but the water is a part of me, it always has been. The ocean, in all her strength and beauty, is always changing, never the same  and I am in awe of that. The ocean is home to me – it fills me with life. The problem however is that my boys, my boyfriend and my family are also home to me. Spiritually, physically and emotionally I feel torn between two worlds and I don't know how to make them one.

 

I went in search of myself and I found the free spirit, the happy, strong, fit lovable woman who I am so proud of. She couldn't make the journey home with me however. She remains on a large piece of driftwood, watching the tides rise and fall. She has the wind in her hair, she breaths in the salty air and she is happy. She is not willing to leave this place of peace right now in order to come to my other home, where I am confused and a little bit broken but sustained by the love of my boys. It is a bit of a contradiction because I need her in order to finally become whole. She will be the last and final piece in my journey toward peace. Deep down, I know I will feel it in my bones when she finally arrives.

 

I have a lot of work to do to bring myself home. I have realized that others see beauty in me that I hide because I am to scared to show it. I realized that I do not put myself first. I realized I am driven by my fear and I want to be driven by passion. I want to conquer every ounce of hurt and pain that resides in my body, every speck of doubt and imperfection. I realized that I am a mother and that my love for my children  overwhelms me, leaving me floundering sometimes but without them, I am not whole. I am everybody but myself. I need to be one so I can be happy and peaceful no matter where I am  - on the prairies or by the ocean.

 

I am scared, I am afraid that my 2 worlds will not ever mesh entirely and I need them to in order to be whole. It is going to take an overwhelming amount of work  in order to become who I am. I fear the failure I know I will face, I fear the loss I know I will battle, I fear not getting back up and being lost forever. I know the path to self discovery is never ending. It will be something I do until my dying day. I know it will be tough, I know I will stumble, I know I will have to change. I am ok with that. The ocean changes – she is never the same yet she is always strong, beautiful and free.

Where is my spark?

"I'll ride the wave where it takes me"

~Pearl Jam, Release~

If you want to change then change – that is the advice that so many give yet so many are unable to follow. I need a catalyst, something to spark me, a moment, a goal, an event. I haven't found that spark in quite some time. It decided to go on vacation this past summer when my whole life and every waking thought was devoted to staying upright during a truly devastating time.

Here I am, 6 months later, and my spark has not come home. I believe my spark will be found by the ocean and that is why I am headed there soon. I am also hoping that along with my spark, I may also find myself. It is such an intense feeling, actually realizing that you have completely disappeared. Your value, happiness, energy, your life - have all managed to creep out in the night and not return. It takes months to realize that you are merely a shell, following the motions, dancing the dance. I am no longer leading the dance and each day I feel like I am losing more and more of the woman I fought so hard to become. I am back to the woman that hides in hoodies, never smiles and just survives. I am pissed off, I want to live. Life is far too short and second chances are hard to find.

I know the bits and pieces I am looking for. I know how to put myself together. It is all on me. I am responsible for my happiness, I am responsible for the weight I carry, I am responsible for the things I let in and the things that I allow to break me. It is my job to live and I have been  too lazy, too broken to move. I have felt sorry for myself but I act as though everything is ok. I am not fooling anybody, most of all myself.

I will sit by the ocean and there I hope to regain control of this beautiful life and the second chance it has given me. I will relax and have fun, I will let go and realize that I am, in fact, important. I will fight for me because in the end, I only have myself. I will find my spark and I will find myself and in that, I will find happiness once again.