Divorce – 29/4/11

"If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?"

~Unknown~

So today I took the first step in finalizing the solution to this mess that I have been put in. The ex,  who had to get the number for the mediator/legal service from his employer, finally got it to me.  I called and had a great conversation with contact I was given. She was very informative about the entire process which was helpful as I have never done this before. 

This whole process is a little bit daunting. We are not going to do a year separation as the ex has admitted infidelity. By the end of the summer or early in the fall, we will be officially divorced. I learned that separated and divorced are exactly the same, one just means you can remarry. I am pretty sure that I am secure enough in myself that I will not fall head over heels for a new soul mate... or 2 or 3 in the next year. However it will be good to be able to shut the door on this chapter of my life. 

It is scary to close a door on a life you have known for so many years. It is scary to make it final, to say never again. Even though I know that never again is what we both want, it is still a whole new world to legally solidify that! It makes us a statistic in a way that I never wanted to be one. It makes my kids a statistic that I never wanted them to be... but at least it will be done. Life continues and I do the best I can to make sure our boys come out on top! This will no longer be about us, it will be about them and making sure they thrive.  

We have to take a parenting seminar, 6 hours on a Saturday so we can get divorced. It is mandated by law. I am hopeful that I will take something from it. I am hopeful that my ex will take something from it as well, especially in the area of introducing our boys to the latest girlfriend. He does not want to introduce the kids now but has asked that we discuss it at the end of the summer. This is hard for me because I have worked with many children who are the products of divorce and many say the hardest thing for them was the revolving door of people they saw one or both of their parents intimately with.

I think my ex sees me as trying to control his relationship but I am fighting tooth and nail to protect my boys. I honestly do not think our children need to be privy to our adult affairs until there is a solid commitment... like marriage. The new girlfriend has said she wants to meet them which indicates there is no basic understanding of the damage that is done in these circumstances. I am glad she shows an interest, my boys could never have too many people loving them but it needs to be a solid commited relationship of at least 6 months, a year, possibly longer. The boys are not a novelty to be hauled out and displayed, then thrown under the bus yet again. They are children who deserve to see healthy relationships. They do not need to see someone else walk out the door.

 I know that in the throws of a new relationship, this is not considered, they are happy, in "love" but things change as my ex has shown. I just want to make sure things are not going to change before the boys are exposed to all sorts of people who may be replaced weeks/months down the road by another "interested" girlfriend. I have set these boundaries up for myself and I hope my ex will also understand the importance of setting them up for himself. 

Yup lots to think about, look forward to, cringe at... celebrate, grieve. I am going to have a party when the divorce is final. An "out with the trash" party and it will celebrate a new chapter for me and my sons! I am looking forward to ringing in my new journey with all those that have  been a great support, helping me take that next step into my new life.