Everything Happens For A Reason – 3/5/11

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
~Marilyn Monroe~

We are a society where instant gratification is paramount! This sometimes stops us from seeing the good in a negative situation. I am a firm believer in: everything happens for a reason however it is sometimes hard for me to wait for that reason to come to me.

For the first few weeks, after I kicked my ex out, I relentlessly asked him, "Why?" He always said that he did not know, didn't know if he would ever know and that infuriated me because in my mind, a why, would help me move on. That why is slowly coming to me, but I think it will still take a fair bit of time before I fully understand, although by that time, I am pretty sure it will not matter to me in the least.

For the last 10.5 years, even more so narrowed down to the last 7 years, I have had big dreams of what I wanted my life to look like, what I wanted to do and what I wanted to achieve. I did none of it. Circumstances beyond my control over the last few years have made it difficult but I still never attempted to focus on myself. I have to laugh that it took such a life altering event... to alter my life.

This is where the hindsight comes into play. This is where I realize that although what my ex did to me was devastating, it has given me the wonderful gift of drive and determination. It had to be something so hateful and callous because I would not have changed anything, even though I was dying inside. It had to be something where the wind got knocked right out of my sails so I could alter my path and find a new breeze.

Within a week of my ex being gone, I began to realize it was not my loss but his. With that came a strong need to be the best I can be and to start achieving my goals. I have grieved my loss many times. The loss may still sadden me at times but it is hard to grieve when I look in the mirror and I am happier, skinnier (29 pounds to date)more confident and free to be me! Something I was unable to achieve with my ex.

This is the why, this is my reason. This happened because I could no longer be held back. I could no longer be held down. I have far too much life to live to be put on a back shelf and forgot about. I also think more of the why is that I have not found my perfect match, my true soul mate and I am kind excited about when I do. To be happy with myself, to achieve my goals and to be loved perfectly.... wow, what an exciting prospect. Life just keeps getting better!