It Is What It Is – 19/4/11

Hate is misguided love.  ~Author Unknown

It is not what it should have been, it is not what it could have been, it is what it is..... Life keeps going despite me wanting to stop it and hit either rewind to go back to how it was before or fast forward to get me to where I am destined to be.

I have been a roller coaster of emotions, panic, anger, hurt, love, sadness and happiness.... all within approximately 28 hours. Things change so quickly. 1 moment I am worried about my future, the next I am excited about my future, blink your eyes and I am longing for my friend, blink again and I am hating him.... sheesh!!

I was really looking forward to not caring anymore but I am not sure if that is possible. I have no idea what my future holds. I can dream of a new love and also having a stable relationship with my ex but that seems to change from 1 moment to the next. I so badly want to be friends, I saw glimmers of our friendship tonight and while happy that we may be able to be civil... it hurts my heart. It puts me back in that place of wanting what I had, something that could never happen. This pulls me from focusing on my future. While I know I may seem like a broken record, I find it really hard to stay in a place of anger and hate, it is not who I am. Yet these times of anger are when I am able to be the strongest. I am however, slowly figuring out that it may be possible to be angry without hate.

I need to find a balance between friendship and still moving forward. Accepting that what is done is done. Accepting that although I have hurt and anger, friendship will be easier on everyone in the long run. I don't want my kids to have parents that hate each other. My oldest said to me tonight after his dad left, "Mommy, you were being nice to daddy tonight. That makes me happy. I heard daddy yelling at you last night. When you fight it makes me sad, sometimes I even cry." He was lighter tonight, he went to bed with a smile on his face. My little man was happy and at peace with his parents for the first time in weeks.

Forward in all directions, that is what my mom tells me. I guess I need to learn that there are different directions that will be important at different times.  I don't need anger in my heart to fight forward.  But why does my heart hurt so much tonight?