Running – 31/5/11

There are as many reasons for running as there are days in the year, years in my life. But mostly I run because I am an animal and a child, an artist and a saint. So, too, are you. Find your own play, your own self-renewing compulsion, and you will become the person you are meant to be. - George Sheehan

Running is  something I love and hate at the same time. While I am doing it, I am counting down the minutes until I can stop but when I don't do it, I miss it terribly. When my ex and I were together I would look at runners and say, I wish I was running. He would tell me to just run then but I never would, I didn't think I could.

I used to run, before the birth of my first son and I was quite good at it. Before becoming pregnant with my 3rd son, I actually completed a half marathon. But for the last few years, as much as I yearned to run, I didn't. I was too self conscious and I was afraid of failure. I got very angry if I tried and could not do as well as I wanted - I wanted to be back where I was and hated the idea of having to start from scratch again. I had given up on something that was so important to me even though it was essential to completing more than 1 item on my bucket list.

So, the night my ex had his first visit with the boys at my house, I went to the gym and got a membership. I had downloaded the Couch to 5K training program on my phone and was ready to roll. The first run was 60 seconds of running alternating with 90 seconds of walking for 20 minutes. I struggled with the 60 seconds of running and prayed for my 90 seconds of walking. I talked myself through every tough moment, something I had never done before. I wanted to quit so many times but I was angry that 1 minute was a struggle.  I told myself if I could survive my ex's betrayal, I could beat anything and that always gave me that last bit of endurance.

Jump to today - I completed yet another 25 minute straight run. While I still prayed for that moment when I could walk, I didn't stop until my time was up! I still have that little insecure voice telling me that it is okay to stop and walk but it is overpowered by that voice that tells me I can do it - to keep going. I sometimes say to myself, don't let him win, don't ever give in and while my running has nothing to do with him, my determination to overcome ALL obstacles is great motivation. I own this. I am the one that has spent the last 8 weeks challenging myself. I have done this, it is all me and I will use whatever is necessary to inspire me.

It is a new thing for me to feel pride for myself. I have spent too long as the insecure girl, hiding in her hoodie, afraid that she was too fat to do anything. I have lost a lot of weight, but more than that, my whole entire mindset has changed and I carry myself in a more confident way. I have to say that I am so proud to be able to run 25 minutes straight. Next week that will be moved to 28 minutes straight and I am excited to meet and beat each goal.

I have also changed my habit of emotional eating, I now am an emotional exerciser. I used to self sooth with all sorts of carbohydrate laden foods. I would reach for the most fattening thing and binge on it because it made me feel great in the moment and then I would hate myself right afterward. I now go to the gym and exercise when I am feeling especially down. If I cannot go to the gym, I box. I do it when I am happy, sad, mad - I do it everyday because it makes me feel good. It self soothes but instead of hate afterward, I feel pride. SO much better!!!!

My ex didn't belittled me in terms of my weight and he encouraged me to do something about it when I couldn't even look in the mirror. He wanted me to be the woman I am today - happy and confident. I could not be this woman while I was with him because other aspects of our relationship wore me down but I am so glad that this is who I am now and I will never let anyone or anything make this girl hide in her hoodie ever again.

"It's very hard in the beginning to understand that the whole idea is not to beat the other runners. Eventually you learn that the competition is against the little voice inside you that wants you to quit." - George Sheehan