Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviors.
Keep your behaviors positive because your behaviors become your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values.
Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.
Mahatma Gandhi
Wow, my post yesterday evoked more of a response than I could have ever imagined. I was mad when I wrote it, I was hurt, I was overwhelmed. I have many feelings, that I keep hidden deep inside to protect my boys. Often those I love, like my parents, get the brunt of my anger because I do not want to rock the boat with my ex - I worry it will hurt the boys. My ex and I have strong feelings, as was obvious by my post and his comment, that need to be worked through individually in order for us to have a productive relationship for our children. I will clarify a few things that I learned after the frenzy that followed yesterday's post.
Most importantly, I realized that I need to see the amazing blessings I have in my life. Those blessings are in the form of amazing friends and family who support me in my journey. They have seen the pain, that has, at times, dropped me to my knees. They have seen the joy and triumph and celebrated along with me. They have screamed and yelled and told me to get back up when I have fallen, and they have told me to get mad, to fight, to stop being a push over. They have been kind shoulders, sensitive ears and fierce motivation. I am not as alone as I sometimes feel. I am taking my boys on a wonderfully fun day today, and a friend is joining me so the boys can enjoy some water. I am so not alone.
I realized that my ex has his own shit to work through and that what I say and do cannot change that although it can obviously evoke quite a response. I do not think he realizes that while he says he left because he could not stand me, it was in fact me that threw him out while he begged me not to. I did not do this because I am a callous bitch. I did it because I had been betrayed by the man that I loved. The man that I would have laid my life on the line for. I had not been betrayed once; I had been betrayed numerous times and what he did destroyed me. What he did will forever effect my future relationships and my ability to trust men. This is not to say I will never trust again but it will not be easy and never so freely. He broke me and while I am building myself back in an even better way, there is much that is still broken. This is a man that says he could not stand me while telling me I was his everything, that he loved me more than life, that he would always fight for me. I had no idea the man I loved, hated me. So yeah, I have some anger.
This is not something that I have to defend or even explain but I want to touch on it for the many single moms that read my blog. Yes, my ex faithfully pays his child support and section 7 expenses each month. I acknowledge that this is more than many men in similar circumstances do. It is a big chunk of his paycheck, he has 4 children, what does he expect. I now own the house my children lived in when he decided to have an affair. His total payments cover some of the expenses of keeping a roof over his children's heads. I wanted the house, which has no equity, to give my children stability in such a traumatic time, and to keep them in a school that has been an excellent resource and support, especially for wonderful kid #2. I work full time but do not make a ton of money. The ex needs to realize I am feeding, clothing, entertaining, paying for schooling and activities as well as the portion of our debt I took on, solely on my income. I do not spend much on myself, never have, but I do believe a mother who has not had a break in 4 months is allowed to spend a few dollars on herself. I refuse to feel guilty about that. I need to maintain my physical, emotional, and mental health to ensure I am able to take the best care of my happy healthy boys. Any single moms reading this, need to realize that if you sacrifice yourself too much, your children will not have the happy and capable mother they need in order to thrive. Be wise with your money, but do not neglect taking care of the most crucial person in your children's lives - you!
Now, just in case anyone took this the same way my ex did, I want to clarify. I have never and will never talk bad about the boys father to them. I personally think very little of him but I tell those boys each and every day that their daddy loves them very much. I try to keep my feelings to myself around the boys. Those who I am with, respect my wishes to foster a loving relationship between my boys and their dad. Hell, I even tell them it is ok to like the girlfriend when they seem unsure. I tell them they can never have too many people that love them. One of my boys said mommy, "I will always love you best". I let him know that I am his mom, so we are special and always will be but he can love other people too. I do not doubt that my ex loves his boys, I know he does but it is my opinion that his priorities are a little off at the moment and he doesn't seem to realize that sadly, history seems to be repeating itself but I guess that is his responsibility and his consequences to handle.
I also want to clarify, not that most of my readers do not already know this, that I would never take my boys from their dad on a special occasion and then call him on it. He is not going to be around for my 6 year olds birthday because he is working, I have no issue with that. I have an issue with the fact that he made a conscious choice to be away during the birthdays of 2 of his children at a time when they are confused and unsure of how they fit into his life. This is a choice that I do not agree with and I have a right to express that. Yeah, if he has the boys on a special occasion, I hope we can work together so we can both share in a day that is not about us. If he was here and not working, he would be welcome to spend time with his children. It does not have to be together, like at their party, although the boys would love that. For now though, it would be best for our children if they could see the people that love them most on the special days that only come once a year.
Yesterday I learned something that everyone has been telling me for months. It has only been 4 months, since I lost a marriage, a partner and a friend. No matter how great I am doing, that is still a major trauma and it takes time to heal. I will have ups and downs and yes, I will be fighting mad sometimes and that is my right. My ex and I have a long way to go before we have a functional relationship for our boys but I am hopeful it will be there one day. He does not have to agree with my feelings but he does have to accept that I have a right to have them, just as I accept that he has a right to his, even if I think they are a bit off kilter. One foot in front of the other, I have to remember this is a hard road to follow and a huge learning curve. There is bound to be some major falls but in the end, I hope my boys will see the healthy relationship they so desperately need between their parents. I need to let go of the resentment because it holds me back and I have to much moving forward to do!
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