There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is a poison that makes you beat your head against the wall.
~Colette~
I am all by myself! I have talked a lot about being lonely but that is totally different from being alone. I am not lonely like I have been in the past but my house is quiet and there will be nobody here to wake me tonight. I am all alone and it is weird! Everything is still. Nobody is relying on me and I am not used to this.
I managed to avoid being alone last weekend by filling up my days and making sure my nights were not spent all alone. Mind you, last weekend worked out perfectly. I did not plan for it but it was the best possible weekend for things to turn out the way they did. But here I am, a little over a week later, and I have just sent my boys to their dad's house for 2 days. I have nobody to keep me company, except by phone (which I am thankful for. )It is time for me to spread my wings and take another flight into this whole new crazy world. I am nervous, a little sad, and a tiny bit scared. I feel like a kid again.
My house is quiet and I feel sort of lost. Without the noise and activity the life and vibrance of our home is missing. I have been told to enjoy these moments, that they are a blessing, which I both agree and disagree with. I love my "me" time. I have been to the gym and I am thinking about going for a run. I have done laundry, changed my bed and done the dishes. I tidied the kitchen and living room as well. The boys have only been gone 5 hours. I miss them, terribly. I miss goodnight kisses - over the phone just does not cut it. I miss stories and bath time and oddly enough the overwhelming amount of noise that goes along with the boys. It drives me nuts but I am currently learning that I kinda love it. For the next two nights I will not be able to peak in on my babies as they sleep. That makes my heart hurt.
I have never spent a night 100% alone. I know at the age of 32 this may seem odd but one must remember, I met my ex when I was 19, pretty much fresh out of school. I always had my parents, my roommates, my ex or my kids in the house with me. Tonight is the very first night I will sleep in a house as the only occupant. My good neighbor jokingly offered her house any time of the day - she may be surprised when I show up in the middle of the night. I have told my parents that I may come and sleep in my old bedroom - I was not really joking. My house is big and sometimes makes strange noises and I think those noises may be more audible tonight. I have a vivid imagination that I know will get me in all sorts of trouble. It may be a sleepless night or maybe it will be a much needed restful night. It is my choice and I need to make the best of it.
This is just another step, another learning curve. I know these times to myself will give me uninterrupted time to do the things I want to do. They will give me a chance to learn more about myself. I am realizing that I do not like to be all alone (although I already suspected that) and that as much as I wish for a break sometimes, I miss my boys when they are not near.
I have a full day of work tomorrow, packed solid actually. It is going to be so odd to get up and get only myself ready and leave the house in a leisurely manner. What will I do without the chaos of getting 4 boys up, ready and out of the house by 8? When I'm finished work, I will go to the gym, spend a few hours there and repeat tonight's routine. I can't wait to see my babies late Tuesday afternoon!
Tonight I will wait for a friend who is out of town to call to say goodnight. I will chat with my mom, text with my friends and relax. This is yet another situation where I have the control to make it positive or negative. It is another opportunity for me to step into the unknown and to learn that it is yet another thing I am capable of doing. It is another opportunity to see strength which I would have never known. The best part is, although alone, I am certainly not lonely!
No comments:
Post a Comment