New Life – 14/5/11

“What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an
end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.”
~T.S. Eliot~

It is amazing how quickly things change, how days, weeks, months can change your entire life. Before all of this happened, I wondered how someone could ever get over such a betrayal. I wondered how I would  manage because the first affair devastated me and I was sure the second one would be worse. I was sure it would ruin my fragile  self-esteem,  cause me to gain weight, and never want to trust or love again... I was so  wrong. 

Here I am, a month and a half since the split and I feel amazing. I am running again, in the gym often, eating healthier, 34+ pounds lighter. I laugh and smile often, I play with my boys, I am a better mom. I am confident and I am happy! I am no longer looking back, the view is not worth it. I am meeting new people, learning something new every day and I am ready to start expeiencing all that life has to offer again. I am excited, scared and a wee bit nervous but am ready to open the door to the rest of my life. 

I never would have predicted that this is how all this would turn out. I never thought that I could ever look at my ex without feeling hurt or anger. While I still feel those things, it is not all I feel. I am actually  indifferent most of the time. I don't feel those things because of him, it is because of the dreams that were dashed. I have new dreams and am ready to make them reality.

I think I was able to move on for a few reasons. The first one is that the first affair crippled me. I felt worthless, used, hurt, angry. I was the victim . When I found out about the second affair, all those emotions  were already pretty used up. I felt like - fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I felt like I had been generous in giving him a second chance and he was the one who threw that away. I could look back with confidence and know I tried to make it work. The second reason is, because things had been bad for so long and we had been through so much, I already felt separated and alone - not part of a couple. I had  handled much of  the hard stuff on my own. I had not felt loved, valued or cared  about in such a long time that the first emotion I felt when I threw him out was relief. It felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. 

I am ready to move on! So excited and so genuinely happy. I know what I want in life. I know I need to count on myself and I know that if I find that right person, starting as a trusted friend, that maybe one day I will love again. The thought gives me shivers. To love and be loved is a tremendous thing - I will not be taken for granted again. I am going to step through the door with my little men in tow and welcome all that our new life brings us. Adios old life, bigger and better things await us!