Injustice 14/7/11

The rain, it raineth on the just,

And also on the unjust fella,

But mostly on the just, because

The unjust steals the just's umbrella.

                                    Lord Bowen

As I have said numerous times, this whole process of becoming single is such a learning curve. Many things throw me off, make me angry or hurt me. These are not things that are necessarily being done to me - it's just the way things are but nonetheless coping is hard.

The ex and the current girlfriend took the kids to the amusement park today; tomorrow they are going to the zoo. They sure are fun, fun, fun. I am glad my kids are having fun, enjoying their time with their dad but it makes me bitter that I cannot just pick up and go to the amusement park because there is only one of me. I have to arrange friends or family to come with me or watch the younger 2. I cannot afford to buy them whatever treats they like although I try and they usually come home happy.  I take them to a zoo but I am sometimes stressed out and yelling after an hour because it is just me and 4 boys under 8. It is hard for me the single mom, to do it all. It is hard for me to accept because this life was given to me by my ex. It was his selfish choice and now he gets the easier end of the stick. I would love to share a fun day with my wonderful boys with the support of someone who cares about me. I want my good Karma. Where is it?

Today I saw the girlfriend holding my baby. I want her to like my kids. I want them to feel safe and taken care of when they are with their dad and her but let me tell you, seeing her holding my baby was like she was reaching into my chest and ripping out my heart. I am happy that my baby felt safe in her arms but only another mother could understand how much that hurt me. Another woman holding, comforting and caring for your child is a hard thing to get used to. She gets a couple of days each week to do the things that are my job and I don't want to share those special times with someone who cannot understand, but once again, my ex chose my life for me.

The kids and I went out for dinner the other night so I asked the ex where the kids should call him to say goodnight. He responded and then told me he was going out to an event he had refused to go to for years. Nothing wrong with him radically changing his mind, but it stung. He has the luxery of going out, I do not unless I an able fork out $60-$100 dollars for a sitter for several hours. I  cannot just pick up and go and have random fun. I am at home most nights  but not due to lack of opportunity. I know this is not his problem, but once again, it was him that chose this life for me.

The next thing that makes me bitter is a catch 22 situation. It drives me nuts that the ex has someone to go home to, talk to, care for and I get to go home and be by myself. Where is the justice in that? I love my boys more than life, and in their best interests, will not introduce someone into their lives for a very long time but there is only so much conversation an 8 year old can give you! I have had the opportunity, more than once, to pursue a relationship since my ex left but it became very clear to me that this is not what I want at all, right now. So it is hard, I have people that I can talk to, late into the night if needed, but I do not want them close enough to know too much. I have been hurt terribly and am not ready for that yet. How can a woman have fun and still feel close and comforted while maintaining an independence that is so important and cherished to her?

This single world is all so foreign and new to me and it drives me nuts to have these little things get to me. I know the ex's life is his own but the injustice in it all drives me nuts. Honestly, if there was justice, he would be all alone, in a corner with his nuts shriveling, desperately wanting someone to love. Life is not fair so I will make the best of what I have. I have met some amazing and some not so amazing people. I have learned lots about myself and about life in general. Maybe I didn't get the short end of the stick because I have been given the opportunity to grow with unlimited options. I think I am richer and better off than the ex will ever be and I need to hold onto that thought during the lonely moments. Those moments are fleeting and I would prefer they become less and less.