Parenting After Separation – 6/4/11

"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." -Albert Einstein

People always say that no matter what your situation, there is always someone who has it worse but In the moment, in your life, it is really hard to see this fact. Your reality is yours and only yours and at that particular time, things are as bad as they can get. Today however, I got a chance to look at where I am in terms of this whole separation/divorce and holy cow, we are taking all the right steps.

So, the ex and I were required to take a "parenting after separation" course, required by law in order to obtain a divorce. This was a course that I could teach, information that I have learned inside and out and educated my ex on to the best of my ability. The ex and I took it together and after looking around the room, this is certainly not the norm. Many individuals, alone, were spending their Saturday taking this course because they had to, not because they wanted to. It was a very long day, a waste of time given the work we've already done, but we had to be there. 

Many people asked a ton of questions that I already knew the answers to and it made the day even longer. It was not the fact that so many are completely unaware of their rights that took me off guard. It was the fact that the animosity behind 90% of the questions was so raw and real. There were questions about dead beat parents, questions about using jail to enforce child support, questions filled with hurt, anger and confusion. It made me sad for all the kids in these situations. I know that these feelings are all very normal but it made me appreciate my situation for what it is - a real shitty deal but so much better than some. 

I realized that the ex and I are doing everything right. We are amicable most of the time (although when we are volatile, we are really volatile.). We have worked out visitation, finances, possessions and custody on our own and in a fairly respectful manner satisfactory to both of us. We were able to divide things in a fair and manageable way. This was not for us but for our boys. Had there been no children, we may not have handled ourselves in quite the way we have. I am thankful that I am not filled  with the volatile anger that a majority of the class participants today are. I am thankful that we have been able to put our boys first despite the anger, hurt and betrayal. 

My ex and I spent much of the day sitting in the back trying not to fall asleep. We both would tune in when there was something we wanted clarified or elaborated upon, but it was all just confirmation that we have headed in the right direction. It was also a very firm reminder that maybe some people are better apart than they are together. We spent 8 hours together and did not fight, that has not happened in years unless we were sleeping. 

I could have done without the course today - it is a day that I will never recover. However, I do think that there is a need for some people to take it and maybe there should be an exemption test for people who have done their research. I am thankful, though, that it gave me the chance to see where I am, where we are, and how much worse we could be. It reinforced how important it is that we stay on track and continue to put our children before any emotional conflicts that may arise.