So once again we face a paradox, for it appears that softening your heart and gently tending its wounds will protect you from evil. Building a fortress and defending yourself behind it will only make you more vulnerable. Healing your own heart is the single most powerful thing you can do to change the world. Your own transformation will enable you to withdraw so completely from evil that you contribute to it by not one word, one thought, or one breath. This healing process is like recovering your soul.
Deepak Chopra
It has been a fun few days and probably the most volatile situation I have had to deal with. What you read on my blog is just the tip of a very large iceberg, one that I am not currently prepared to uncover for the masses due to the hostility released the one time I write about how I truly feel. I told the ex how I felt again, on a different matter, and the proverbial shit hit the fan all over again. This is no longer a blog issue as my blog is about my journey and not the day to day pettiness I deal with. The larger issue is one of accepting responsibility by my ex and standing strong for myself and my children. The issues are soaked in emotion. It is a situation that needs to diffuse before the idea of being friendly is even a remote possibility.
The ex has really gotten under my skin in the last few days. I have cried and yelled and been confused - all things that I vowed I would not give him the power to make me do or feel ever again. I have not been able to let some of the things said and done to me slide so he has gotten a very big emotional response from me. He is only aware of some of that response. I feel frustrated that I let him get to me. It is no reflection of how I feel about it him but more of a reflection of how much anger I have to let go of.
I have prided myself in handling the past few months compassionately and although much easier on him, it has also been easier on my children. I fed him to the wolves the other night, maybe not a shining moment but I had several reasons. The biggest one was that I wanted to expose the way he continues to talk to me if I don't bow to his whims. I have been honest in exposing my honest feelings and see no reason to hide his. He cannot make those comments and expect me to hide them.
The second reason was that I wanted him to hurt. I will never be able to cause that same deep wound but I wanted him to feel hated. At that moment, my emotions caused a knee jerk reaction and I let the world have a go at him. He asked me if it made me feel better about myself. I was honest and said "yeah, it kinda did." I do not regret doing what I did and if backed into the same corner by his arrogance and bullying, would probably do it again. He knows my blog is public, he know friends and family read it, it was his decision to post his comment.
The third reason for posting this unpleasantness was for my blog friends so they realize that they are not the only ones with volatile exs. My initial reason for the blog was to connect to those going through the same things and that is still very important to me. I know how terrible it is to feel like nobody understands. Even if it is only a voice through a blog, it is feeling connected and that helps a person heal.
He needs to realize, although I am not sure he ever will, the damage he has done. He has made the affairs my fault in his mind. Because I am such a bitch (his words), he just had to get away from me. I must say though, this was a man that told everybody that he was happy. He told counsellors, friends, family, everyone, that he was happy and this was the only place he wanted to be. He wanted it to work, he was not going anywhere, he would never cheat again. He lied so many times he made it so nothing could be fixed. He made a conscious choice to play with my emotions and my heart, something that no human has a right to do to another. So, as much as he, in his world at the moment, sees this as my fault, it needs to be said that I am only guilty of believing the man I once loved.
It also needs to be said that his continuous threats to no longer be friends with me is no skin off of my back personally. As much as he is able to provoke an emotional response on an argumentative level, I am quite indifferent to him. I do not care if I see him or talk to him. He is not doing me any favors by being friendly, he is not hurting me by threatening never to talk to me. I do not care.
That said, I do care as a mother. My boys can smell phony a mile away. They can sense the tension and they react to it. I want us to be civil for them but it is not a one way street and it cannot be held over my head like a treat, only to be yanked away the moment his panties get tied in a knot. Us being friendly is the best thing for our boys but he has informed me that he never wants to see me or talk to me again. For sure, no tears will be shed over this. I will bust my ass to not let his decision affect the boys sense of security.
We will not be friends for a long time but we can be civil. Maybe one day our boys will have parents that can be in the same room without making the air so thick it can be cut with a knife. I hope we can sit together and smile with pride as we watch our boys do amazing things because they all will. They are people we created together and that is something that will never change no matter how much hate is shared between the two of us. My hope is that we will be able to nurture these young, amazing lives together instead of damaging them more than they already have been.
I am reevaluating and looking at the last few days and I am proud of myself for standing up for what I believe. I will think before I react to him and although things may end up just the same, it is a good thing to start practicing. I am glad that I am setting clear boundaries for a relationship that is separate. He needs to understand that we are no longer married. He replaced me very quickly and has a new woman to take care of him, to help him solve his problems, and to share his emotions with. I am okay with this, he is all hers, but I should not constantly be asked for any favours. Our lives are separate other than communications regarding our boys. We need lots of time and plenty of space as we move forward. Yeah I am lonely sometimes but even that has changed in the last little while. Things are looking up. Who knows what the future holds but I am sure mine is going to be full of happiness.
The drop grows happy by losing itself in the river.
– Mirza Ghalib
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