Emails – 12/6/11

“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.” -Havelock Ellis

Moving on can be one of the scariest things a person ever has to do. Often, when someone is forced to change and move on the way I was, he/she holds onto anything possible. I think it is like keeping one foot in the past, and being afraid to leap into the future. I have moved forward, rarely glancing back but there was one thing I held on to, afraid to let it go, but I finally did set it free the other day.

I had held onto all the emails in an email account that my ex and I had created at the end of December. At the recommendation of our counsellor, who met us only days after my discovery of the first affair by coming across a long line of explicit emails, she encouraged us to create our own email accounts to try and create that type of connection between the two of us. So we began to share our hopes and dreams , fears and thoughts with each other via email. Sometimes it was a quick "I love you" or maybe  a flirty message. I was always so excited to find something new in the inbox.

Romantic and friendly messages in the email account became less and less in March and the last one was actually a brief "I love you" from my ex to me. This message was dated March 15 - the day he and the next door neighbor supossedly kissed for the first time. The time was just after 1:00 pm; he and I had just finished talking during my lunch break; he had just woken up off night shift. I was home at 3:30 that day so the message was sent moments before he sealed the fate of our ailing marriage. The timing showed what little respect he had for me, how little he actually cared for the woman that he claimed to love.

I kept the emails. At first, just after I threw him out, I would read them and I would cry. He told me things like "You are my everything", "I will never ever do anything to hurt you ever again", "I cannot imagine waking up to anybody else but you for the rest of my life", "I love you more and more each day". I could go on and on. He signed each one of them as "Your Lobster" which, as discussed in a previous post was quite endearing but ironically very accurate considering lobster habits in the long run. It hurt my heart because I was sure this man loved me, wanted to fix things and he was hurting just as bad... haha, then I woke up.

This email account is tied to my blog and I cannot change it which drives me nuts because the address itself, which includes the ex's name, is a proclamation of our connection. I have learned to live with it. The other day, I wanted to make sure the inbox was not filling with junk and I saw his March 15th email and instead of hurt, I felt disgust, rage and pity.

The disgust came form the fact that he could have so little respect for me that he could say these things to fuel his own perverted intentions and the fact that he is actually capable of playing with someone's emotions in such a careless, inconsiderate and vicious way.

The rage was 2-fold -  rage at him for being so cruel and rage at myself for believing him, for giving him the benefit of the doubt. I had his regimental number tattooed on my body (which has since been changed), I cut my hair which I now loath, for him. I did these things because in these emails he begged for my trust and I was trying to show him that I was working on it and one day would trust him again. I truly thought we would make it through! As silly as it is, cutting my hair was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. A good 9 inches, was cut off, gone for him because he does not like long hair.  I felt stupid for trusting him and the things he had said to me.

And the pity is because any person who is capable of such callous actions against someone who unconditionally loved him, who had 4 children with him, who supported his dreams and goals, and who spent 12.5 years building a home and family with him, is a sad soul. That person is self-destructive and will never be fully capable of loving someone truly and purely, nor will he ever be fully capable of receiving love. No matter how much that person pretends, he will never be able to give himself to someone in a honest, open way.  What a pity to never experience love so fully and freely.

I did not want to read the emails again as I knew they were not genuine. They were meant to fool me so he could lead his double life. I no longer had a need to hold on to them - they were not real and they had caused much more damage than good. It took courage but I selected all of them and hit delete. It was a huge step. Although just emails, they had significant meaning to me. I then went to the deleted items folder and selected them all again and hit delete and when the little box popped up asking me if I was sure, I clicked ok. I felt free, that was the last thing I had been holding onto and now it was gone. No more looking back, not even in the rear view mirror.

I don't have any new found animosity towards my ex. I am truly over that. The emails were something that I had held on to, trying to remember the man my ex once was and who I believe is still buried deep within the man he is now. This was a huge step in realizing that it is very unlikely that I will ever see this man again. It was also a realization that I lost this man last October when he started building a "friendship" with his current girlfriend and went on to have his affairs. It was a final goodbye to the man I married and a big hello to the world that awaits me, no more strings holding me back.