“What if a demon were to creep after you one night, in your loneliest loneliness, and say, 'This life which you live must be lived by you once again and innumerable times more; and every pain and joy and thought and sigh must come again to you, all in the same sequence. The eternal hourglass will again and again be turned and you with it, dust of the dust!' Would you throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse that demon? Or would you answer, 'Never have I heard anything more divine'?”
Friedrich Nietzsche
I have talked about lonely before - lonely is a bitch. Lonely creeps up on you after a good day or after a bad day. When the house is quiet and you are reflecting on the day you had, lonely crawls into bed with you. Lonely curls up with you on the couch while you wait for your day to begin. I sometimes want to punch lonely in the face.
I am a social person, always have been, and I think I always will be. I love being around people even while sharing a mutual silence although in all honesty, I am usually talking. I have surrounded myself with family, friends, co-workers and have even met a few strangers in the past little while.
I feel like I am floundering a bit as I try to figure out life. I enjoy my time with my boys because the energy they emit does not allow lonely to enter my home. We are busy and life is fun. Lonely comes when it is quiet; lonely creeps in when I am enjoying my own company. Lonely always comes without an invitation.
I have come to realize that many of the people I have met recently fill a need. As I am discovering myself and sorting out my life, the one thing that gets me down is not having someone around occasionally. Someone who needs me, someone I need. I have also realized that my ex damaged me more than I had thought. If anyone tries to get serious, I panic and run as fast as I can the other way. If anyone offers me the kindness, genuinely, that I have missed for years, I find it hard not to become attached. A friend helped me realize that I am not attaching to the person but to the idea of having the things I have emotionally craved for years. Lonely disappears when these people are around but lonely attacks with full force when these people disappear, if even for only a day or two.
I have realized that lonely sometimes makes you turn your back on who you really are, what you believe. Lonely thrives on a person's need to feel loved, accepted, cared for, cherished. I am learning how to kick lonely's ass when these needs are present because I have seen myself accept being treated in a way that I previously may not have liked or acting in a way that I may have thought twice about before the change in my life. I want my emotional needs to be met but not at the expense of giving too much of myself because where does that leave me? Lonely will not take away my ability to live life the way I want, I lived life the way someone else wanted for far too long.
I have an expectation now, that I will be loved the way I deserve to be loved. I am not going to compromise that. For years I always said about my ex, "Just because he does not love me the way I want, does not mean he does not love me." I have learned that I deserve to be loved the way I want to be loved, no excuses and a loving relationship would give that to me.
I could see lonely trying to pushing me to a place where I would settle again. I am happy I can recognize that trap because knowing it will make it easier to defeat. At times I feel like I would do anything to make lonely disappear but I am not going to let that happen. Lonely is going to have to park her bitchy ass in a corner of my life until she can legitimately disappear.
Lonely has a battle on her hands that I don't think she was prepared for. She has met her match in me, a woman determined to find the happiness that she has been missing and deserves. Lonely can come snuggle in bed sometimes. She helps me reflect, however lonely has to leave in the morning. I have no time for her; I have too much life to live. Lonely will be eliminated and not at the expense of my true self. Lonely can slowly disappear as she watches me heal and grow. Lonely is sitting beside me right now and I think she knows she will not win this battle.
“Somewhere there is someone that dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile, so when you are lonely remember it’s true, someone somewhere is thinking of you.”
Anonymous
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