Conflicting Emotions – 26/6/11

 I don't want to hurt
There's so much in this world
to make me bleed

~Just Breath, Pearl Jam~

I have never had a hard time expressing or identifying my feelings. The whole situation surrounding the breakup of my marriage has filled me with so much raw emotion and uncertainty that there are some moments when I have no idea which end is up and I am so confused. I am learning how to talk myself through these moments and I know I have friends that would have no issue setting me straight if I needed a reality check!

So my ex and I are taking our boys to the movie Cars2. This may seem odd but the significance of that little red car to my family is beyond words. I was driving to work on Friday and the thought that popped into my head as I hit the highway was, If we can get along well enough to take the kids out to a movie, why are we getting divorced?  I thought of all the people who hate each other and all the people that cannot stand the sight of their ex and wondered why we did not fight for our marriage because obviously we are in a better place than many other victims of divorce. I began to wonder if we had made the right choice.

This is where cloudy emotion comes into play and why I am learning to talk things through in my head. At the moment when I feel like I may have possibly made a mistake is during a time when all the good memories surface. Our wedding (which was an incredible party), the births of our boys, the laughter, the strength, the trials that we made it through - in these moments, it is easy to forget the lies, the inconsideration, the betrayal.

I have learned to take a deep breath, regroup and remember how we got to where we are. I then remember the deep disconnect we had for the last little while and how bitterly unhappy I have been for so long. I then remember the betrayal, not once but twice and honestly a third time because he ended up with the original instigator of our extramarital issues. I remember the deep intense pain that still vibrates through my body, the broken trust that will forever effect me and the anger that tries to trap me in my mind. I think of my boys who all constantly struggle day to day because they are sad, confused and unsure of what is expected from them. I think of my boys who will never know a 2 parent home because he did not think what we worked hard to build was worth the fight to fix it. I feel this pain and it reminds me that there are very good reasons why I will never let him back into my life as a lover, best friend or confidante.

I have said before that I do not like being angry. So then I reflect on the woman I have become without him. I have gained strength, independence and courage. I laugh more than I have in years and my eyes sparkle with happiness. I no longer feel like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, I am lighter. I am working towards my dreams and I am stepping out of my comfort zone and discovering I like it. I am free and excited to live my life. I am becoming all the things I could not be while I was with him.

After all my reflection I realize that yes, we are in fact better off apart than together. I definitely made the right choice. I am happy that we are able to be civil  and give our kids the stability they crave. I have learned that we need to take a step back and reevaluate our "friendship" because there are still many unresolved emotions for both of us, that they come out in very volatile fights occasionally. We need to step back and heal individually. I have a strong network of friends and family that support me. I am not worried about wanting him back. I know I am on the right path, even if it hurts sometimes.