Getting Our Footing – 16/4/11

“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along."

~Unknown~

Well, It has been almost 3 weeks since that Sunday afternoon that I looked at my ex and said, get out. 3 weeks since my little family had an incredible day at the park, having so much fun, excited for Grandma and Grandpa to come for dinner.... and then then our little world changed forever.

What a roller coaster this has been. It has been full of ups and downs, really high high's and really low low's. I have been told by friends, family, professionals that this is normal, that I am doing exceedingly well. I am doing the best I can for my boys. I have no other option than to be okay for them, maybe they are my saving grace. I don't always believe the things I say to myself but I know if you look in the mirror and say it enough, it comes true.

It has been weeks of self discovery for myself that will now lead to a lifetime of self discovery. It has really given me time to reflect on what was and what is going to be. I now know what I want, I kinda know where I am going. I have direction and focus, I am no longer floundering in most aspects. I had all control taken out of my hands and I have discovered that not all things need to be controlled and things I thought I have no control over, I actually do.

I have had people tell me I am strong and I am, but I also hide the hurt very well. I have had people tell me I am brave, I am often shaking in my boots but too proud to turn back. I have had people tell me to have hate and anger, which I do, but I also have a history. I am opening the doors to my future but it breaks my heart to close the doors on my past. The past has memories both good and bad. It is my goal to treasure the good in my heart forever and leave the bad behind. I do not need baggage, baggage breaks people.

I am determined to use all my bad experiences in life, like having an ill child and a cheater husband, to help and teach. I share my stories as a form of therapy for myself and also because it means another person who is suffering can share them and feel connected. Being alone is the worst feeling but I have learned you are never truly alone. I have had friends share their stories, I have had strangers share the stories of their friends. All of which show me that there have been strong women and mothers (and strong men and fathers)who have walked the same path as me. I have a few beautiful friends who have had the same crushing feeling of being betrayed. They are strong and happy now and that gives me something to look forward to.

We are all on a journey, some paths may have more mountains than others but the view from atop those mountains is spectacular!