Circles – 18/4/11

"We are not going in circles, we are going upwards. The path is a spiral; we have already climbed many steps." 

—  Hermann Hesse

It must look as though I am going in circles with my posts and my emotions... I am happy, I am sad, I am done, I am hopeful..... repeat! I don't feel as if there is much new to write about that can be of interest. I guess it shows the emotional toll an affair can have.

I don't think my journey is circles but rather a spiral. I repeat the same emotions, go through the same high's and lows but each round places things further apart, the time spent being happy is bigger. With each spiral there is eventually a time where the line goes straight.... I am aiming for that straight line, right out of this crazy mess!!

When the spiral was so tight, I felt so much pain that I longed for my life to be back to normal. I felt like a record player on repeat trying to fix something that could never be repaired. I could not see it because I kept going back to that place of intense hurt and betrayal. Clear thinking was not an option.

Slowly, slowly the spiral is becoming looser, stretching out. Those feelings of hurt and betrayal are only minor blips in each week now... occasionally each day, but they do not stick around long enough to impact the positive energy running through my veins! As the spiral grows it is filled with aspiration, optimism, enlightenment!

The growth of the spiral is helping me see what I do and don't want, it is helping me see clearly what I had and did not have. It is helping me see that I can never have what I had back but I can have something new and better. It is making me smile for the good times and grieve the loss less. I still have hope but it is for different things. I no longer want my ex and I to be together but I still hope he will fix himself and repair the damage he has done for his own sake and for a better relationship with our boys. I no longer dream of him coming home and sweeping me off my feet but I get excited at the thought of meeting the right person to do that. Each day and each step is teaching me more and more about myself.

I found the above quote after I finished writing my blog but it fit perfectly. Odd what you find when you search for quotes about circles! I am proud of the steps I have climbed and am ready for the hike!